Hi everyone and welcome to my blog. I thought it would be appropriate to tell a brief overview of our story so far since I’m starting my blog half way through our journey!
So lets begin! I feel I should introduce my better half as he is obviously a big part of this journey. Me and Fabian met on a school ski trip in 2010 when we were both 16 where two local schools paired up, he was from the other school. We both liked each other from the start but of course we never spoke until home and good old Facebook allowed us to talk. We were a bit on and off but eventually December 2010 were “official”. We got engaged December 21st 2011 and married September 16th 2014. I’m not going to lie and say our marriage has been perfect but we have worked through some tough times, including some relapses with my mental health and of course losing Silver. This has made us by far so much closer and stronger as a couple, she had an amazingly positive impact on us both.
Silver is our second live baby but technically our 3rd. We had a miscarriage October 2015, conceive our son November 2015, delivered a healthy 8lb 3oz baby on the 27th July 2016. It was meant to be a pool birth in the midwife led unit with hypnobirthing but Beau had other plans and was delivered naturally but in the main labour ward. Would you believe holding him was one of the first times I’d properly held a baby, I’m actually not a very maternal person. Having him made me fall in love with children and I discovered a side of me I didn’t know I had! He was a pretty easy going very happy baby but now we have hit terrible twos!
I knew soon after having Beau how I’d love another child. We started to seriously consider it when we started to wean beau and got the positive pregnancy test on the 24th July 2016. We were overjoyed and knew we wanted to tell people as soon as possible, we felt that by doing it that way that no matter what happened whether we had a miscarriage or not we would have support there for us. This also meant people could be understanding whilst I endured awful nausea/ morning sickness, something I didn’t really experience with Beau.
Our first trimester was difficult. I’m not sure if it was the nausea but for some reason I got prenatal depression again, only this time it was 10x worse. I was very suicidal and it caused a lot of arguments. I even had an extra early scan at the early pregnancy assessment unit as I’d had a bit of a breakdown and was convinced we had lost Silver. I had no reason to believe this but its hard to believe either way at a time when you aren’t meant to feel kicks anyway. So I’d ended up at A&E who referred me for the scan the next morning. I also got referred back to my psychiatrist at this point and was offered some help with coping strategies.
Roll onto our 2nd trimester and finally the nausea was subsiding. The 20 week scan is where my world came tumbling down. I just didn’t realize it at the time. Basically we were referred to Leeds hospital and told our baby was going to die due to small lungs (pulmonary hypoplasia), small for gestational age (by about 6 weeks) and dysplastic (abnormal) kidneys, which they believed was the cause of no amniotic fluid. I was given the options to end it there and then. I never felt like the consultant we had was on the same page as us. I felt stupid asking him questions and felt he had given up hope. I then got a second opinion at the first place I could think of – Newcastle. I wasn’t aware it was a well known children’s hospital but I am so glad with the choice we made. The consultants at fetal medicine were amazing as were the neonatal nurses, doctors and consultants and even the postnatal ward far exceeded my expectations. We were still told Silver had little chance of survival but we feel Newcastle did absolutely everything to give her her best chances.
Silver Rose was born via emergency C- Section on the 12th February 2018 due to reduced movement at 32 weeks and 6 days gestation. She was very unwell when she was born and was unexpectedly anemic. It was very touch and go in the delivery room and she got rushed 2 bags of blood. She had good and bad days since then, including having a surgery to have a stoma due to a blockage in her bowels. She loved scaring us by having super high blood pressure randomly! Oh and she was a complete diva and you would know if she wasn’t happy and would flail her arms around in protest. She was by far the feistiest little baby I have ever seen!
She was actually doing really well up until the night she passed. So when we got the phone call that night it was an utter shock to say the least. Unfortunately she just rapidly went downhill very quick for no obvious reason. We got the call at 3am and we had made the choice after the doctor had run out of things to try that we wanted to get her out for cuddles and eventually we also made the choice to start taking away the support for her (except the pain relief). She passed away in her Daddy’s arms as soon as the breathing support had been taken away but we knew we’d already lost her before that.
Silver touched our lives in such a positive way although sometimes it hurts so much its hard to believe that. She brought our family together and taught us how to love and the value of life and family. We now are trying to work our way through the grief, awaiting answers and contemplating our future. Through this blog I want to share this next part of our journey along with going into more detail about what we’ve also experienced in a raw unfiltered way. I hope this blog can help other people going through similar or help you understand what others might be going through.