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My Journey With Silver Rose

Life After Baby Loss – My Story

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By: myjourneywithsilverrose November 16, 2018

28 weeks 2 days

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28 Weeks Pregnancy After Loss Update – Gestational Diabetes

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Trying to immerse myself in nature recently to keep myself sane and calm. I've felt my stress go through the roof, my temper shorted and my mood plummet. Recovery from postnatal is so hard when you have people pushing you down. . . . One thing I had thought of today is how much I fought for Silver. Leilani deserves that same mum that Silver had. If i believe in something, like justice for our situation, just as I believed in silver, then I need to fight as hard as I did then and be as strong as I was then. I think I'm just crumbling from feeling like I'm always fighting against the odds. But no good thing in life ever came easy. My wellbeing and my families happiness is worth fighting for, even if it kills me. I just need to regather my thoughts, take some time out and get back to fighting for what I know is right.
YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE 🌝 I wish Leilani wasn't a rainbow. I wish Silver never had to be the storm. Why couldn't I have two sunshines? I guess that's impossible really, there will only ever be one sun, but in life you can have many storms and many rainbows. I have two beautiful rainbows and two stars shining brightly down on is through the darkness. 🌝 I wonder what it would have been like having Beau, Silver and Leilani... probably a very chaotic household! I can imagine with the closeness in age that they would have been the three amigos, tackling life together and looking after each other. Maybe one day there will be three amigos but not for a long time. For now I have my troublesome two which I love dearly and am so grateful every day for their health and their beaming smiles (when they're not competing of who can cry the loudest!)
I would say why is this journey so hard... but I know why... it's because we loved so deeply that we must hurt and yearn so deeply. Missing you little angel.
Who would have thought rock bottom has a basement. I am astounded at the corruption that exists within this world which makes innocent people suffer. I have been struggling so much with grief recently and to have social services come into my life because a dodgy copper mistreated me in a mental health crisis and made a referral despite my kids never seeing or hearing a thing. It is completely impossible to recover when someone is breathing down your neck, making decisions about your own kids that they have never seen or met. Can you imagine how triggering it must be to finally have a rainbow baby and then to be told you aren't good enough. Not only this but to be told you arent good enough despite them never even seeing me, the kids or my home. How dodgy is that? And yet the longer its said, the more I believe it. I am finding it so hard to ignore the persistent barrage of intimidation, threats and negativity. I dont want to wake up or get out of bed on a morning. I'm missing out on my childrens life because I've been made to feel like I shouldn't be a part of it. So I shut down and stay away. It feels like I'm constantly reliving Silver dying. I have the constant ache in my stomach, like I had when they first said she was dying that night. Living in constant stress and grief is overwhelming and exhausting. It's impossible to ask for help when you're constantly being put down, it seems pointless to even try. I thought my rainbow baby would be my happy ever after and yet I feel like I'm not allowed to feel happy or enjoy her life and that is truly breaking me inside. I've come to terms with losing Silver but to feel like I'm missing out with Lani too is breaking me. I feel like I'm grieving Lani whilst she sits before me. As if I've completely shut down because allowing the good in means I have to allow the bad in too.
WEANING 🍌 I can't believe this little one is almost sitting up on her own and will be 6 months in two weeks. I don't feel ready to wean, I love breastfeeding and I know we will be doing it until she self weans but I don't want to let go of this unique bond we have. I hate thinking that soon other people will be able to feed her. I didn't feel like this with Beau so maybe this is because of losing Silver that I feel even more attached? Or maybe it's because Fabian works too far away from home that I've had to look after her all the time compared to having help with Beau which has made me bond stronger? 🍌 How have other parents felt leading up to weaning with their rainbow babies? This plus sending Beau to nursery one day a week is making me feel pretty nervous, protective and attached! Probably a topic I need to discuss with my mental health workers to ensure I'm coping with the changes!
ALMOST FINISHED 🌱 Silver's garden is so nearly finished. I just want some solar rose string lights to go from one hanging basket to the other and then it's pretty much done! Oh, and I need to move my calicarpa profusion which is too close to the gravel bit. It's actually nothing to do with Silver and is a reminder of our honeymoon where I first saw this plant at the Homosassa Wildlife Park. The only problem is that's the only place there is space, it's just a little too close to the border and blocking the view of Silver's area so needs moving out a bit! 🌱 Do you guys want to see a blog post detailing the progress of her garden with all the behind the scenes pics? I'm thinking it would be an enjoyable one to write!

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Trying to immerse myself in nature recently to keep myself sane and calm. I've felt my stress go through the roof, my temper shorted and my mood plummet. Recovery from postnatal is so hard when you have people pushing you down. . . . One thing I had thought of today is how much I fought for Silver. Leilani deserves that same mum that Silver had. If i believe in something, like justice for our situation, just as I believed in silver, then I need to fight as hard as I did then and be as strong as I was then. I think I'm just crumbling from feeling like I'm always fighting against the odds. But no good thing in life ever came easy. My wellbeing and my families happiness is worth fighting for, even if it kills me. I just need to regather my thoughts, take some time out and get back to fighting for what I know is right.
YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE 🌝 I wish Leilani wasn't a rainbow. I wish Silver never had to be the storm. Why couldn't I have two sunshines? I guess that's impossible really, there will only ever be one sun, but in life you can have many storms and many rainbows. I have two beautiful rainbows and two stars shining brightly down on is through the darkness. 🌝 I wonder what it would have been like having Beau, Silver and Leilani... probably a very chaotic household! I can imagine with the closeness in age that they would have been the three amigos, tackling life together and looking after each other. Maybe one day there will be three amigos but not for a long time. For now I have my troublesome two which I love dearly and am so grateful every day for their health and their beaming smiles (when they're not competing of who can cry the loudest!)
I would say why is this journey so hard... but I know why... it's because we loved so deeply that we must hurt and yearn so deeply. Missing you little angel.
Who would have thought rock bottom has a basement. I am astounded at the corruption that exists within this world which makes innocent people suffer. I have been struggling so much with grief recently and to have social services come into my life because a dodgy copper mistreated me in a mental health crisis and made a referral despite my kids never seeing or hearing a thing. It is completely impossible to recover when someone is breathing down your neck, making decisions about your own kids that they have never seen or met. Can you imagine how triggering it must be to finally have a rainbow baby and then to be told you aren't good enough. Not only this but to be told you arent good enough despite them never even seeing me, the kids or my home. How dodgy is that? And yet the longer its said, the more I believe it. I am finding it so hard to ignore the persistent barrage of intimidation, threats and negativity. I dont want to wake up or get out of bed on a morning. I'm missing out on my childrens life because I've been made to feel like I shouldn't be a part of it. So I shut down and stay away. It feels like I'm constantly reliving Silver dying. I have the constant ache in my stomach, like I had when they first said she was dying that night. Living in constant stress and grief is overwhelming and exhausting. It's impossible to ask for help when you're constantly being put down, it seems pointless to even try. I thought my rainbow baby would be my happy ever after and yet I feel like I'm not allowed to feel happy or enjoy her life and that is truly breaking me inside. I've come to terms with losing Silver but to feel like I'm missing out with Lani too is breaking me. I feel like I'm grieving Lani whilst she sits before me. As if I've completely shut down because allowing the good in means I have to allow the bad in too.
WEANING 🍌 I can't believe this little one is almost sitting up on her own and will be 6 months in two weeks. I don't feel ready to wean, I love breastfeeding and I know we will be doing it until she self weans but I don't want to let go of this unique bond we have. I hate thinking that soon other people will be able to feed her. I didn't feel like this with Beau so maybe this is because of losing Silver that I feel even more attached? Or maybe it's because Fabian works too far away from home that I've had to look after her all the time compared to having help with Beau which has made me bond stronger? 🍌 How have other parents felt leading up to weaning with their rainbow babies? This plus sending Beau to nursery one day a week is making me feel pretty nervous, protective and attached! Probably a topic I need to discuss with my mental health workers to ensure I'm coping with the changes!
ALMOST FINISHED 🌱 Silver's garden is so nearly finished. I just want some solar rose string lights to go from one hanging basket to the other and then it's pretty much done! Oh, and I need to move my calicarpa profusion which is too close to the gravel bit. It's actually nothing to do with Silver and is a reminder of our honeymoon where I first saw this plant at the Homosassa Wildlife Park. The only problem is that's the only place there is space, it's just a little too close to the border and blocking the view of Silver's area so needs moving out a bit! 🌱 Do you guys want to see a blog post detailing the progress of her garden with all the behind the scenes pics? I'm thinking it would be an enjoyable one to write!
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