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My Journey With Silver Rose

Life After Baby Loss – My Story

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By: myjourneywithsilverrose November 16, 2018

28 weeks 2 days

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28 Weeks Pregnancy After Loss Update – Gestational Diabetes

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It was a new dress kinda day! With that smile she would look cute in anything 😍
FALL 🍁🍂 This has always been my favourite season, that's why we got married on this day five years ago. I guess the thing I struggle with now is the inner child in me that gets way too excited for Christmas months in advance, the mum in me that's excited to see my childrens reactions on christmas morning, the nostalgia as I reminisce over our honeymoon, the lover of autumn but it all conflicts with this feeling of dread as I realise we are soon approaching our miscarriage anniversary. All Silvers anniversaries are approaching too. And of course I wonder to myself would Silver have loved this season as much as me. Would she have loved to play in the leaves. Would she have preferred summer or winter? Would she have been like her dad and loved halloween or like me and a christmas maniac? 🍁🍂 You're always in my thoughts little girl and as the seasons change it reminds me of the five finger death punch song When the seasons change which I always associate with you. I gave up my ticket to see them when you were in my belly to make sure you were safe and typical they're coming on tour when we are on holiday but hopefully you were with us today as we rocked out in the car to a bit of Alan Jackson and Daughtry instead 🙈
New blog just uploaded sharing a gallery of Silver on her travels, shes managed to go to places even I've never been to yet! Link in bio and a big thank you to all the people that have ever taken a photo of Silvers name in different locations, you honestly dont know how much it means to me! Allowing Silver to live on through her name, through continued talking and thinking of her is all I can ever ask 💖
I don't cry as often as I used to. Not because it still doesn't hurt but because it wouldn't be realistic or healthy to cry for hours every day. My body would be so exhausted and probably shut down if I did. The other day I was trying to find some of Silvers things and ended up going through all of them. I passed my fingers over her clay hand and foot prints, I breathed in deeply, taking her scent from the sponge we bathed her with and her blood pressure cuff. I marvelled over how small her hat was compared to how big Leilani is now. For the first time in a while I had a good cry and it felt good. I guess in some ways it reassured me she was real. Most of her things live under our bed so I know they are safe from Beau, only having a few items dotted about. Seeing all her things was a harsh yet beautiful reminder of just how real she was, it was breaking and comforting all at once 💖
LETTING GO 🍂 First day of nursery, he's been there an hour and I haven't cried yet... I love the fact I'm gonna have a day just with Lani and I can get loads done but it's just so hard to trust people with my kiddo, I've already told them I'll be calling to check on him. He seemed quite nervous which apparently he wasn't like at his taster hour last week. Maybe he could pick up on my nerves but hopefully he will have lots of fun, make some friends and sleep well tonight!
NURSERY 😕 Beau starts nursery tomorrow. Just one day a week, something we never had planned on. I know it will relieve some stress and it means we can actually celebrate our anniversary on the 16th but I'm terrified. Terrified they'll judge me as a parent, scared he wont cope for a whole day, scared they'll do trips out and he'll be kidnapped, scared he will feel left out being vegan... So I'm writing a guide for them so they know exactly what my worries are, how they can approach me without triggering my borderline and more details on his likes, dislikes etc. It's little things like this that I just need to do for my overprotective nature and peace of mind! It's so hard to choose to let go when the last time you had to let go it wasnt your choice...

Instagram

It was a new dress kinda day! With that smile she would look cute in anything 😍
FALL 🍁🍂 This has always been my favourite season, that's why we got married on this day five years ago. I guess the thing I struggle with now is the inner child in me that gets way too excited for Christmas months in advance, the mum in me that's excited to see my childrens reactions on christmas morning, the nostalgia as I reminisce over our honeymoon, the lover of autumn but it all conflicts with this feeling of dread as I realise we are soon approaching our miscarriage anniversary. All Silvers anniversaries are approaching too. And of course I wonder to myself would Silver have loved this season as much as me. Would she have loved to play in the leaves. Would she have preferred summer or winter? Would she have been like her dad and loved halloween or like me and a christmas maniac? 🍁🍂 You're always in my thoughts little girl and as the seasons change it reminds me of the five finger death punch song When the seasons change which I always associate with you. I gave up my ticket to see them when you were in my belly to make sure you were safe and typical they're coming on tour when we are on holiday but hopefully you were with us today as we rocked out in the car to a bit of Alan Jackson and Daughtry instead 🙈
New blog just uploaded sharing a gallery of Silver on her travels, shes managed to go to places even I've never been to yet! Link in bio and a big thank you to all the people that have ever taken a photo of Silvers name in different locations, you honestly dont know how much it means to me! Allowing Silver to live on through her name, through continued talking and thinking of her is all I can ever ask 💖
I don't cry as often as I used to. Not because it still doesn't hurt but because it wouldn't be realistic or healthy to cry for hours every day. My body would be so exhausted and probably shut down if I did. The other day I was trying to find some of Silvers things and ended up going through all of them. I passed my fingers over her clay hand and foot prints, I breathed in deeply, taking her scent from the sponge we bathed her with and her blood pressure cuff. I marvelled over how small her hat was compared to how big Leilani is now. For the first time in a while I had a good cry and it felt good. I guess in some ways it reassured me she was real. Most of her things live under our bed so I know they are safe from Beau, only having a few items dotted about. Seeing all her things was a harsh yet beautiful reminder of just how real she was, it was breaking and comforting all at once 💖
LETTING GO 🍂 First day of nursery, he's been there an hour and I haven't cried yet... I love the fact I'm gonna have a day just with Lani and I can get loads done but it's just so hard to trust people with my kiddo, I've already told them I'll be calling to check on him. He seemed quite nervous which apparently he wasn't like at his taster hour last week. Maybe he could pick up on my nerves but hopefully he will have lots of fun, make some friends and sleep well tonight!
NURSERY 😕 Beau starts nursery tomorrow. Just one day a week, something we never had planned on. I know it will relieve some stress and it means we can actually celebrate our anniversary on the 16th but I'm terrified. Terrified they'll judge me as a parent, scared he wont cope for a whole day, scared they'll do trips out and he'll be kidnapped, scared he will feel left out being vegan... So I'm writing a guide for them so they know exactly what my worries are, how they can approach me without triggering my borderline and more details on his likes, dislikes etc. It's little things like this that I just need to do for my overprotective nature and peace of mind! It's so hard to choose to let go when the last time you had to let go it wasnt your choice...
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