This might very well be my most brief pregnancy update yet. I’ve been struggling a lot with mood recently so haven’t felt particularly inspired to write much nor do much. This pregnancy is not quite going as planned and just as we thought we could sit back and relax more things have come up. It’s been a worrying and stressful time to say the least and my thoughts on ever having children again after this are now not so black and white.
I would like to start with a positive though. Especially through my twenty-five weeks I have been crazy nesting. Gladly I haven’t yet got to the point of waking during the night to rearrange cupboards but I can assure you furniture has been moved and cupboards have been fully rearranged. I haven’t actually done any of the moving furniture, well I did try but realised I was being silly so awaited help. My house is slowly looking all the better for it and feels like we have properly moved in now after almost a year. We have taken a huge step in thinking positively about this pregnancy and nesting for a baby actually coming home too. Beau’s changing table has now officially been passed down to Leilani and moved into our bedroom, ready for her arrival.
This is such a big step, one that I never even got chance to consider doing with Silver. I have even categorised all her clothes we have bought into sizes and put them away. Beaus clothes are currently all neatly folded into a cardboard box on our landing whilst I sort finances and get him a chest of drawers ordered! I do feel it’s helping me come to terms with the reality of bringing a baby home and keep my thoughts as positive as possible. That being said I do always have that niggling negative undertone of what if in the back of my mind. And from a practicality point of view I completely forgot that where I’ve put the changing table is where our “upstairs” Christmas tree will go.
I am really starting to look forward to Christmas despite knowing it will be a difficult time too as we think of all the things Silver is missing. My plan is to have a tree downstairs which will be decorated with generic silver baubles and decorations. A tree I have chose I will not stress about should the cat climb it and then I have a white glitter tree ordered for our bedroom. So, our bedroom will be completely closed off to cats, well most likely just our troublesome one (Pebbles is too lazy to climb). But this one will be adorned with all our precious ornaments from Disney and any sentimental ones. I’m already gathering a little collection of ornaments to represent Silver from various places. This is what I’ve got so far!
From a pregnancy point of view one thing that’s become increasingly difficult and impacted my mental wellbeing is my hip pain. I did have mild hip pain with Silver but my bump never got huge so I wasn’t carrying an excessive amount of weight. After all, she was a small baby with no fluid. This time however the pain has developed and got much worse. It’s only my right hip but it is so painful. Fabian is helping me with dressing and putting shoes on along with drying myself after a bath. He often helps me get out too and I can’t tell you how bad it is when I have to lift that leg to step out, I end most baths in tears now. I know its silly but I feel so embarrassed, I didn’t want to be a pregnant lady that waddles but I can barely get up the stairs or walk across the room at times. So yes, I’m not even in my third trimester yet but I’m walking like a penguin crossed with a cowboy right now!
We did manage to have a rather pleasant weekend a few weeks ago despite my hip and took Beau on the local steam train. We had free tickets from a client and had waited since Christmas for this beautiful autumnal weather. I think they had actually overbooked the train and we couldn’t find a seat on the way out so were stood in the pram storage area! Thankfully there was a cushioned bench in there and Leilani came to the rescue. I actually got offered a lady’s seat just because I was pregnant! Beau loved looking at all the trains and we got a “Harry Potter” cabin on the return journey, very hand for keeping Beau in one place I must add. I did film the whole day so once all is edited, I will share on my Facebook page.
Emotionally I would say me and Fabian have been starting to really struggle. It’s so difficult when we are approaching the anniversary of finding out Silver was unwell and remembering those difficult weeks in the lead up to her birth. We are both nervous about bringing a baby home and I know Fabian finds it especially hard when he isn’t the one feeling the kicks. The sad thing is I’ve really struggled to bond with her and I feel her moving all the time. I think it’s because I’m comparing her as she is now with Silver, a two week old baby. I of course have the knowledge of Silver’s personality, something I don’t know about Leilani. So I am left feeling as if I don’t know Leilani at all which isn’t really a fair comparison. It is something I am trying really hard to work on though through hypnobirthing and talking with Leilani.
At twenty six weeks this whole pregnancy changed. I will be going into much more detail in a separate post as its quite complex, but, long story short. I have gestational diabetes. It was only through being overly cautious we even decided to have the test but never did I expect a positive result. The impact this has had on my mental health was close to detrimental. I did not cope well with the news and was certainly not in a good place. I am so glad the amount of support I have been provided with. My mind has slightly been put at ease but I am eagerly awaiting seeing my regular consultant at twenty eight weeks to discuss how she feels this may or may not effect our original pregnancy, labour and delivery plans.
Lastly, I want to end on a fantastic positive. I had a 4D scan! I have mentioned this before but my parents treated me and Fabian and the day had finally come. We travelled to Leeds Ladybird 4D Scans and were greeted warmly into a lovely reception before going into the scan room. It was amazing to see an actual face! All she wanted to do was suck her hands, bless. The sonographer was desperate to get us a photo of Leilani’s face but no matter what we tried (walk, hip shake, eating sweets, coughing, lying on my side…) she was adamant those hands were staying by her face. Not only that but we did have some issues with the anterior placenta being in the way! Nonetheless it was a lovely pick me up after a stressful week and was so nice for Beau to actually be present at a scan too.
We got a purple unicorn heartbeat bear, two lovely prints along with all the images and footage on disks. Not only this but I later found in the bottom of the bag a big brother sticker which warmed my heart. I am so excited for Beau to get the opportunity to be a big brother and can’t wait to see how he reacts to Leilani. He is adorable at interacting with my belly and talks often about mummy and baby. He might not feel as excited when he has to share his toys though!
As you can see its been a rather chaotic couple of weeks, emotionally at least. Anxieties are high and we are currently trying to take it one step at a time. That’s all you really can do as you navigate a pregnancy after loss, and we learnt the hard way with Silver to never become complacent. We take each day as it comes and thank the universe for every kick and movement she makes, even if it is into my sore hip!
Until next time,