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My Journey With Silver Rose

Life After Baby Loss – My Story

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By: myjourneywithsilverrose October 12, 2018

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M Y V A L E N T I N E 🌹 Valentine's day didn't quite go as expected. It's been three days now since Silver's birthday and I've slowly come to the realisation that each and every year we will go through this. We will experience 16 days of torture. 16 days of "remember this" and "We were doing this at this time" and of course "What if". 🌹 Last night whilst trying to watch a movie together and snuggle on the sofa while Leilani slept in her basket just across the room I became overwhelmed with sadness. I should have been focussed on the film but my mind wandered and I realised all I could think of was the fact that this time last year we had unlimited access to Silver. She was literally just a walk down the corridor away. I can't believe at one point in my life I was lucky enough to have that much access to her, and now I am cut off. Now I can't touch or hold her. 🌹 I am truly broken at this realisation. I'll be honest and say a lot of times I try not to think too much about her. Not because I don't love her but because if I gave it too much thought I would be in so much pain I simply wouldn't be able to function. I had such a physical response the night we rushed to her bedside and I was so ill they had to medicate me just so I could be by her side. I was in so much pain emotionally and screamed when they told me she was dying, I just can't allow that sort of pain into my every day life if I want to be able to keep myself safe mentally and still be a good mum to Beau and Leilani. 🌹 This time last year we were living in our bubble at the RVI Newcastle, sitting by her bedside, changing her nappy every 6 hours, stroking her and recovering from surgery. I don't think I'll every truly enjoy Valentine's day again, or indeed these 16 days in February. What I can say is how lucky I am that I still have this little note we found by her incubator on Valentine's day last year written by one of her many amazing nurses. 🌹 Each and every year Silver will always be my Valentine 💖 🌹 #valentinesday #myvalentine #silverrose #rvinewcastle #newcastle #lifeafterbabyloss #babyloss #nicu #SCBU #blog #parenting #mumlife #grief
H O P E 🌹 I simultaneously love and hate these flowers. They were planted last year for the first time in our new home while I was pregnant with Silver. When Silver was about two weeks old we came back home for the day to collect our belongings, preparing to live in Newcastle at @thesickchildrenstrust Crawford house. That day was a day filled of hope. We felt confident enough to move up to Newcastle with Beau and confident enough to leave Silver for a longer period of time than usual so that we could travel home which took two hours either way. 🌹 It's hard to see these flowers blooming again, me taking photos of them again at the exact same time of year and yet this year she is no longer here. In some ways they are a symbol of hope and remind me of the day we had most hope for the future yet at the same time they are a cruel reminder of the false sense of hope We felt and the devastation we experienced only a couple days later. 🌹 Grief is often confusing and contradictory, this is one of those moments and I'm simply trying to gracefully navigate my way through it without literally losing my mind. I am so glad my local mental health team have recently set up a brand new perinatal mental health team and I am one of the lucky first patients. I'm also lucky that in the area we now live I now have a fantastic mental health worker who has supported me so fantastically and talks to me like an actual human with feelings and with respect. These next few weeks are going to be full of anniversaries, both good and bad memories and I'm just hoping I can make it through and remember her for the special little girl she was. 🌹 #newcastle #crawfordhouse #babyloss #lifeafterbabyloss #blog #spring #february #anniversaries #parenting #mumlife
M Y W O R L D 🌍
Happy Valentine's day my princess💖
S E L F C A R E 💞 I've been really focussing on self care recently while I seem to be suffering from a depressive phase. Tring to focus on the things that can at least give temporary relief and happiness. Self care is so individual and it's good to be perceptive of your own personal needs. I've found getting fresh air, rides out in the car, gardening, hot baths and crafts to be beneficial. 💞 I have been exploring a new business idea recently which requires me to be able to do water colour. It seemed like a good idea until I realised I don't know how to paint. So I've decided to commit to learning! This was my first ever attempt at water colour (since doing art at school almost 10 years ago!). I found it really frustrating as I didn't know what I was doing and I'm my own worst critic. Fingers crossed practise makes perfect and I'll learn to love it. 💞 And if in doubt and I get frustrated with the water colour I've got all the equipment and oil paints ready to try my hand at being the next Bob Ross! After all he makes it look so easy and I can't help but smile watching his videos with his happy little clouds! 💞 #watercolour #art #painting #crafts #selfcare #mentalhealth #postnataldepression #depression #babyloss #blog #parenting
Happy 1st birthday my angel 🌹

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M Y V A L E N T I N E 🌹 Valentine's day didn't quite go as expected. It's been three days now since Silver's birthday and I've slowly come to the realisation that each and every year we will go through this. We will experience 16 days of torture. 16 days of "remember this" and "We were doing this at this time" and of course "What if". 🌹 Last night whilst trying to watch a movie together and snuggle on the sofa while Leilani slept in her basket just across the room I became overwhelmed with sadness. I should have been focussed on the film but my mind wandered and I realised all I could think of was the fact that this time last year we had unlimited access to Silver. She was literally just a walk down the corridor away. I can't believe at one point in my life I was lucky enough to have that much access to her, and now I am cut off. Now I can't touch or hold her. 🌹 I am truly broken at this realisation. I'll be honest and say a lot of times I try not to think too much about her. Not because I don't love her but because if I gave it too much thought I would be in so much pain I simply wouldn't be able to function. I had such a physical response the night we rushed to her bedside and I was so ill they had to medicate me just so I could be by her side. I was in so much pain emotionally and screamed when they told me she was dying, I just can't allow that sort of pain into my every day life if I want to be able to keep myself safe mentally and still be a good mum to Beau and Leilani. 🌹 This time last year we were living in our bubble at the RVI Newcastle, sitting by her bedside, changing her nappy every 6 hours, stroking her and recovering from surgery. I don't think I'll every truly enjoy Valentine's day again, or indeed these 16 days in February. What I can say is how lucky I am that I still have this little note we found by her incubator on Valentine's day last year written by one of her many amazing nurses. 🌹 Each and every year Silver will always be my Valentine 💖 🌹 #valentinesday #myvalentine #silverrose #rvinewcastle #newcastle #lifeafterbabyloss #babyloss #nicu #SCBU #blog #parenting #mumlife #grief
H O P E 🌹 I simultaneously love and hate these flowers. They were planted last year for the first time in our new home while I was pregnant with Silver. When Silver was about two weeks old we came back home for the day to collect our belongings, preparing to live in Newcastle at @thesickchildrenstrust Crawford house. That day was a day filled of hope. We felt confident enough to move up to Newcastle with Beau and confident enough to leave Silver for a longer period of time than usual so that we could travel home which took two hours either way. 🌹 It's hard to see these flowers blooming again, me taking photos of them again at the exact same time of year and yet this year she is no longer here. In some ways they are a symbol of hope and remind me of the day we had most hope for the future yet at the same time they are a cruel reminder of the false sense of hope We felt and the devastation we experienced only a couple days later. 🌹 Grief is often confusing and contradictory, this is one of those moments and I'm simply trying to gracefully navigate my way through it without literally losing my mind. I am so glad my local mental health team have recently set up a brand new perinatal mental health team and I am one of the lucky first patients. I'm also lucky that in the area we now live I now have a fantastic mental health worker who has supported me so fantastically and talks to me like an actual human with feelings and with respect. These next few weeks are going to be full of anniversaries, both good and bad memories and I'm just hoping I can make it through and remember her for the special little girl she was. 🌹 #newcastle #crawfordhouse #babyloss #lifeafterbabyloss #blog #spring #february #anniversaries #parenting #mumlife
M Y W O R L D 🌍
Happy Valentine's day my princess💖
S E L F C A R E 💞 I've been really focussing on self care recently while I seem to be suffering from a depressive phase. Tring to focus on the things that can at least give temporary relief and happiness. Self care is so individual and it's good to be perceptive of your own personal needs. I've found getting fresh air, rides out in the car, gardening, hot baths and crafts to be beneficial. 💞 I have been exploring a new business idea recently which requires me to be able to do water colour. It seemed like a good idea until I realised I don't know how to paint. So I've decided to commit to learning! This was my first ever attempt at water colour (since doing art at school almost 10 years ago!). I found it really frustrating as I didn't know what I was doing and I'm my own worst critic. Fingers crossed practise makes perfect and I'll learn to love it. 💞 And if in doubt and I get frustrated with the water colour I've got all the equipment and oil paints ready to try my hand at being the next Bob Ross! After all he makes it look so easy and I can't help but smile watching his videos with his happy little clouds! 💞 #watercolour #art #painting #crafts #selfcare #mentalhealth #postnataldepression #depression #babyloss #blog #parenting
Happy 1st birthday my angel 🌹
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