Usually autumn is my favourite time of year. I love how it’s a cosy season. Where the nights are getting cool and dark and its time to wear cardigans and snuggle up on an evening with warm drinks and spiced foods. I also think it’s by far the prettiest time of year, driving along with leaves falling as if they were colourful snowflakes. It’s also that time of year when we get to celebrate Halloween and the exciting build up to Christmas.
I want to address both those celebrations in separate posts because both are significant Wiccan holidays which we as a household celebrate. Halloween is a time when we honour the deceased as our worlds are closest. It’s also regarded as the Wiccan new year so it’s a time where I evaluate my life and the things I want to change. This year of course will trigger many thoughts of Silver and I’d love to share with you my plans in a separate post on how we plan to involve and honour Silver and our miscarriage Stork. Yule is Wiccan Christmas which for ease with family we choose to celebrate on the 25th instead of the traditional 21st Dec. I would have thought most people who have lost a baby will understand why Christmas or in our circumstances Yule, can be a difficult time.
As you can imagine, with both those celebrations on their way plus my impending birth of Leilani I am at times feeling rather anxious and wondering how I will cope. One thing that surprised me recently however was how upset I felt one night when it was raining. Normally I love the rain, Fabian usually tells me off when I go outside just to stand in the rain. I don’t mean in a controlling way, more in a protective you’re going to get sick way and also a you’re a little bit crazy way. He puts his foot down when I’m pregnant and won’t actually allow me to which I can understand in all fairness, baby always comes first. It has however always been very grounding and soothing for me. I find standing in the rain or listening to the rain can be quite a spiritual experience and connect you with nature and the earth. As the rain washes away debris, it has the ability to wash away emotional pain and cleanse the mind and soul.
That was until the other day. As I mentioned, I love the idea of being cosy in autumn and snuggling up on an evening as the weather battles on outside. Even torrential rain I usually find soothing and it helps me sleep. For some reason that evening however I was sat thinking of how if Silver was here how lovely it would have been to have a warm soft baby snuggled and nestled on my chest. I wanted the experience of making her feel snug and warm as the rain poured outside. It was such a perfect evening where we were all in the living room as a happy family, it was tidy and the lamp was turned on giving a warm glow as the rain poured outside. Normally I’m in my element and absolutely love these occasions but not this time.
From pondering these thoughts, I also realised that a few days earlier, if Silver had been born on her due date (April 3rd) she would have been six months old. So despite initially imagining how sweet it would have been to have a little baby snuggled up on my chest she would have actually been much larger than I first thought. Of course a six month old still isn’t huge but it was certainly a reality check of how much time has passed, even more so since she was actually born seven weeks early. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, I don’t want time to keep passing so fast and moving further away from her but at the same time I’m so eager to give birth and begin this new positive chapter with Leilani too. Because I’m still on maternity leave from Silver I don’t tend to focus too much on dates so when I do actually check the date I often realise much time has passed, more than expected.
Going to bed that night I still couldn’t stop thinking about the weather outside. My body and mind know I gave birth to a baby girl and yet my mind also knew she was not with me safe within the home. I know and understand she is no longer here but, in my head, that night all I could think of was that she was out there; cold, in the dark and alone. I couldn’t shake that thought and it really disturbed me. I had this urge to protect her, comfort her and keep her warm. I couldn’t do any of those things and it really hit me hard. Day to day I generally have coped better as time has gone on but then I have moments like this where I suddenly can’t wrap my head around it and don’t know how to cope once the reality does start to set in.
My only solution that night was to talk it through with Fabian about how I felt. I can’t emphasise enough how important it is to do this when you have lost a baby together, to express to each other when you are struggling and what you are finding hard. There are many times where we have been struggling and have not spoken openly and it usually results with us fighting about other menial matters because deep down our head is in a darker place. The only comfort Fabian could offer me was the knowledge that although she is deceased, and the situation is far from happy, she is in fact in no danger or discomfort. It was enough to make me feel supported and I understood despite my feelings and thoughts being disturbing they were in fact far from true. I needed that validation.
I have still continued to bond with Leilani as I did with Beau and Silver which was by listening to a specific track on YouTube with rain and music. It’s something I always listen to when I’m in the bath as I focus on my wriggling baby, talking away to her and having that time away from social media and stress. I absolutely love these moments and still find the rain on this track to be of comfort, especially since it links all my babies together and is an experience I have shared with them all. It’s also the music we play when Fabian reads my hypnobirthing scripts to me on a night just before bed. I love how this in itself is a way for Fabian to be more actively involved in the pregnancy and is a time when we both dedicate it to each other and our baby. It’s also a time when we focus on reducing anxiety which I still find so beneficial and have done through all my pregnancies with my absolute favourite rain music.
It has yet to rain again since that evening. I am more prepared emotionally this time and hope that in fact it will give me the soothing comfort it used to. I don’t think these next few months emotionally are going to be exactly straightforward or plain sailing. I am both excited and dreading the first snowfall. Last winter the main snow fall was the nights leading up to Silver’s passing and continued for a few days afterwards. I still remember walking though the hospital after she passed and looking down one night on the perfectly still courtyard with a fresh white blanket of snow. I had been so gutted I didn’t get to take Beau sledding and I am excited to hopefully get to do that this year but at the same time I honestly think I will cry my eyes out when the first flakes start to fall.
I think no matter how much time passes there will always be occasions when certain events or items will trigger a catalyst of emotions despite feeling I had been coping well. It’s a natural part of grief and especially with a baby where you notice the dates and how old they should be. Something you don’t think about with someone who has died of old age. I sleep every night with Silver’s blanket and doubt that will change but that one night I held it especially close. I know life will change and maybe one day I won’t have all of Silver’s items on display, but she will always be there on my mind and forever in my subconscious thoughts. There are times we will have positive triggers for her coming to the forefront of our minds and there will no doubt be times such as the snow falling when the experiences may be more negative.
One thing is for certain, she was and always will be my baby and to this day I am still trying to work out and learn how to live without her in my arms. I hope you enjoy reading my blog posts as I try and discover what my new normal is exactly.
Until next time,