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My Journey With Silver Rose

Life After Baby Loss – My Story

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By: myjourneywithsilverrose October 3, 2018

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Trusting Strangers with Beau

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B A B Y B O N D I N G 🏥 It's surprised me that I've struggled to bond with Leilani, considering how much we've had to go through and fight for to have her home in our arms. I've given it a lot of thought and found some clear differences. A pressured situation with time so precious did force us into bonding much quicker with Silver and so I've wrote down some of the special things we did with her that all NICU parents can do. 🏥 I have since also realised why I didn't bond with Leilani straight away. I was forced into a situation where they played on my insecurities of losing Silver and would not support or allow me the chance to feed her myself. They insisted on cup feeding and so for the first 3 days I mostly sat and watched someone else feed my baby every three hours while I expressed. I can't tell you the detrimental effect that had on our bonding and my mental wellbeing. 🏥 I am actually planning on making a formal complaint to the hospital for the poor care I received and have to say that unfortunately I found this stay in hospital and this situation to be more stressful than when we were in hospital with Silver. I'm also pleased to say I'm slowly finding that bond with Leilani and starting to feel more positive about having a beautiful baby in our lives. 🏥 I really hope my latest blog helps other parents of NICU and SCBU babies to make the most of their experience and know all their options which I certainly wasn't aware of until I was offered them and had a baby in the NICU. Link is in Bio. 🏥 #babyloss #lifeafterbabyloss #babylossblog #premiebaby #prematurebaby #baby #parenting #newmum #newdad #nicu #scbu #intensivecare #specialcare #blog #mum #grievingmum #sickbaby
A S T R O N A U T 🚀🌠 I had to share these pics I took the other day of my happy chappy Beau in his astronaut leggings. They're so soft but keep him nice and warm in this chilly weather, particularly handy when it's like 5 degrees and he insists on taking his coat off for the entire walk! I was literally freezing in my ski coat and he took his coat off mid walk and being as stubborn as his mummy refused to put it back on! 🚀🌠 Code beau10 gets you 10% off at @freddandfrank. 🚀🌠 #ad #brandrep #childrensclothing #leggings #homemade #shopsmall #smallbiz #blog #toddler
M O R E ! 🍂 more fun pics from our adventures yesterday in Dalby Forest. Leggings from @freddandfrank! 🍂 Use code beau10 for 10% discount at @freddandfrank 💖 🍂 #family #familyouting #dalbyforest #northyorkshire #ad #brandrep #nature #leaves #dinosaur #toddler #blog #parenting #kidsclothing
D I N O 🦖 Yesterday we had so much fun. Not to say it wasn't absent of tantrums but at least we all got outdoors as a family. I literally don't leave the house on my own and find it hard even going into my own garden due to anxiety meaning during the week when Fabian goes to work it feels like my home is my prison and I crave the fresh air. So we make the most on a weekend when Fabian can be there to support me and we can have fun with the kiddos and go out exploring. 🦖 Yesterday we decided on Dalby Forest. We did go to the bridestones trail but didn't actually get far enough to see any as Beau had taken so long playing with leaves plus my body is still not back to normal and let's just say my fitness isn't what it used to be! We then went to the play park and magical forest which Beau loved exploring. 🦖 Beau kept nice and warm in his dino leggings from @freddandfrank although he did fall a few times and enjoyed climbing over logs so they'll be going straight back into the wash tonight. Being a mum I seem to have a never ending pile of laundry always in need of sorting! Use code Beau10 for 10% at @freddandfrank . There's so many different fabrics to chose from and if you keep your eyes peeled I've got a pic of a romper I ordered for Leilani to share! 🦖 #dalbyforest #northyorkshire #woodland #nature #forest #intothewoods #parenting #mumlife #blog #brandrep #ad #kidsclothings #shopsmall #smallbiz #babyloss #lifeafterbabyloss #baby #newborn
T I N Y B A B Y 🌺 So somehow I have been so sleep deprived and on auto pilot recently I completely forgot to share some of the gorgeous photos @creativecapturesbyemma took of Leilani a couple weeks ago! 🌺 I'm pretty impressed when we took her nappy off she only had a wee on my pillow and nothing more! 🙈 I'm even more impressed by Emma's skills as a photographer and how she edits the photos and takes her time to make sure they are perfect even if it drives her crazy in the process! So lucky to have her as a friend, taking beautiful photos of my babies and always helping me out when I need photography help! 🌺 #newborn #photography #newbornphotoshoot #newbornphotography #tinybaby #baby
M Y V A L E N T I N E 🌹 Valentine's day didn't quite go as expected. It's been three days now since Silver's birthday and I've slowly come to the realisation that each and every year we will go through this. We will experience 16 days of torture. 16 days of "remember this" and "We were doing this at this time" and of course "What if". 🌹 Last night whilst trying to watch a movie together and snuggle on the sofa while Leilani slept in her basket just across the room I became overwhelmed with sadness. I should have been focussed on the film but my mind wandered and I realised all I could think of was the fact that this time last year we had unlimited access to Silver. She was literally just a walk down the corridor away. I can't believe at one point in my life I was lucky enough to have that much access to her, and now I am cut off. Now I can't touch or hold her. 🌹 I am truly broken at this realisation. I'll be honest and say a lot of times I try not to think too much about her. Not because I don't love her but because if I gave it too much thought I would be in so much pain I simply wouldn't be able to function. I had such a physical response the night we rushed to her bedside and I was so ill they had to medicate me just so I could be by her side. I was in so much pain emotionally and screamed when they told me she was dying, I just can't allow that sort of pain into my every day life if I want to be able to keep myself safe mentally and still be a good mum to Beau and Leilani. 🌹 This time last year we were living in our bubble at the RVI Newcastle, sitting by her bedside, changing her nappy every 6 hours, stroking her and recovering from surgery. I don't think I'll every truly enjoy Valentine's day again, or indeed these 16 days in February. What I can say is how lucky I am that I still have this little note we found by her incubator on Valentine's day last year written by one of her many amazing nurses. 🌹 Each and every year Silver will always be my Valentine 💖 🌹 #valentinesday #myvalentine #silverrose #rvinewcastle #newcastle #lifeafterbabyloss #babyloss #nicu #SCBU #blog #parenting #mumlife #grief

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B A B Y B O N D I N G 🏥 It's surprised me that I've struggled to bond with Leilani, considering how much we've had to go through and fight for to have her home in our arms. I've given it a lot of thought and found some clear differences. A pressured situation with time so precious did force us into bonding much quicker with Silver and so I've wrote down some of the special things we did with her that all NICU parents can do. 🏥 I have since also realised why I didn't bond with Leilani straight away. I was forced into a situation where they played on my insecurities of losing Silver and would not support or allow me the chance to feed her myself. They insisted on cup feeding and so for the first 3 days I mostly sat and watched someone else feed my baby every three hours while I expressed. I can't tell you the detrimental effect that had on our bonding and my mental wellbeing. 🏥 I am actually planning on making a formal complaint to the hospital for the poor care I received and have to say that unfortunately I found this stay in hospital and this situation to be more stressful than when we were in hospital with Silver. I'm also pleased to say I'm slowly finding that bond with Leilani and starting to feel more positive about having a beautiful baby in our lives. 🏥 I really hope my latest blog helps other parents of NICU and SCBU babies to make the most of their experience and know all their options which I certainly wasn't aware of until I was offered them and had a baby in the NICU. Link is in Bio. 🏥 #babyloss #lifeafterbabyloss #babylossblog #premiebaby #prematurebaby #baby #parenting #newmum #newdad #nicu #scbu #intensivecare #specialcare #blog #mum #grievingmum #sickbaby
A S T R O N A U T 🚀🌠 I had to share these pics I took the other day of my happy chappy Beau in his astronaut leggings. They're so soft but keep him nice and warm in this chilly weather, particularly handy when it's like 5 degrees and he insists on taking his coat off for the entire walk! I was literally freezing in my ski coat and he took his coat off mid walk and being as stubborn as his mummy refused to put it back on! 🚀🌠 Code beau10 gets you 10% off at @freddandfrank. 🚀🌠 #ad #brandrep #childrensclothing #leggings #homemade #shopsmall #smallbiz #blog #toddler
M O R E ! 🍂 more fun pics from our adventures yesterday in Dalby Forest. Leggings from @freddandfrank! 🍂 Use code beau10 for 10% discount at @freddandfrank 💖 🍂 #family #familyouting #dalbyforest #northyorkshire #ad #brandrep #nature #leaves #dinosaur #toddler #blog #parenting #kidsclothing
D I N O 🦖 Yesterday we had so much fun. Not to say it wasn't absent of tantrums but at least we all got outdoors as a family. I literally don't leave the house on my own and find it hard even going into my own garden due to anxiety meaning during the week when Fabian goes to work it feels like my home is my prison and I crave the fresh air. So we make the most on a weekend when Fabian can be there to support me and we can have fun with the kiddos and go out exploring. 🦖 Yesterday we decided on Dalby Forest. We did go to the bridestones trail but didn't actually get far enough to see any as Beau had taken so long playing with leaves plus my body is still not back to normal and let's just say my fitness isn't what it used to be! We then went to the play park and magical forest which Beau loved exploring. 🦖 Beau kept nice and warm in his dino leggings from @freddandfrank although he did fall a few times and enjoyed climbing over logs so they'll be going straight back into the wash tonight. Being a mum I seem to have a never ending pile of laundry always in need of sorting! Use code Beau10 for 10% at @freddandfrank . There's so many different fabrics to chose from and if you keep your eyes peeled I've got a pic of a romper I ordered for Leilani to share! 🦖 #dalbyforest #northyorkshire #woodland #nature #forest #intothewoods #parenting #mumlife #blog #brandrep #ad #kidsclothings #shopsmall #smallbiz #babyloss #lifeafterbabyloss #baby #newborn
T I N Y B A B Y 🌺 So somehow I have been so sleep deprived and on auto pilot recently I completely forgot to share some of the gorgeous photos @creativecapturesbyemma took of Leilani a couple weeks ago! 🌺 I'm pretty impressed when we took her nappy off she only had a wee on my pillow and nothing more! 🙈 I'm even more impressed by Emma's skills as a photographer and how she edits the photos and takes her time to make sure they are perfect even if it drives her crazy in the process! So lucky to have her as a friend, taking beautiful photos of my babies and always helping me out when I need photography help! 🌺 #newborn #photography #newbornphotoshoot #newbornphotography #tinybaby #baby
M Y V A L E N T I N E 🌹 Valentine's day didn't quite go as expected. It's been three days now since Silver's birthday and I've slowly come to the realisation that each and every year we will go through this. We will experience 16 days of torture. 16 days of "remember this" and "We were doing this at this time" and of course "What if". 🌹 Last night whilst trying to watch a movie together and snuggle on the sofa while Leilani slept in her basket just across the room I became overwhelmed with sadness. I should have been focussed on the film but my mind wandered and I realised all I could think of was the fact that this time last year we had unlimited access to Silver. She was literally just a walk down the corridor away. I can't believe at one point in my life I was lucky enough to have that much access to her, and now I am cut off. Now I can't touch or hold her. 🌹 I am truly broken at this realisation. I'll be honest and say a lot of times I try not to think too much about her. Not because I don't love her but because if I gave it too much thought I would be in so much pain I simply wouldn't be able to function. I had such a physical response the night we rushed to her bedside and I was so ill they had to medicate me just so I could be by her side. I was in so much pain emotionally and screamed when they told me she was dying, I just can't allow that sort of pain into my every day life if I want to be able to keep myself safe mentally and still be a good mum to Beau and Leilani. 🌹 This time last year we were living in our bubble at the RVI Newcastle, sitting by her bedside, changing her nappy every 6 hours, stroking her and recovering from surgery. I don't think I'll every truly enjoy Valentine's day again, or indeed these 16 days in February. What I can say is how lucky I am that I still have this little note we found by her incubator on Valentine's day last year written by one of her many amazing nurses. 🌹 Each and every year Silver will always be my Valentine 💖 🌹 #valentinesday #myvalentine #silverrose #rvinewcastle #newcastle #lifeafterbabyloss #babyloss #nicu #SCBU #blog #parenting #mumlife #grief
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