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My Journey With Silver Rose

Life After Baby Loss – My Story

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By: myjourneywithsilverrose September 21, 2018September 21, 2018

20 week Leilani bump

20 week Leilani bump

20 week Leilani bump

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20 week Pregnancy After Loss Update

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HOPE 🌹 I have mixed emotions about my association with this porridge. I know it seems another strange thing I've made a connection with but all I can think of whenever I now order this is that I remember eating it on the way to the train the day we came home from Newcastle. Not after she died, no, this was a few days before. It was at a time when she was two weeks old and we had so much hope for the future, she was doing so well, responding and improving. It was the day we came home to collect our belongings and our Toddler, prepared for the long haul of living in Newcastle as she was under NICU care, simply waiting for the day she was well enough to come home. I love the fact it reminds us of the hope we had but I also find that day one of the hardest to remember. The hope we had was the reason it hurt even more. It's the reason we were shocked by her death and the reason for our confusion even to this day. I remember little things about that day so clearly, I remember taking a bath that day at home, still getting used to our new home (something I think about every time I have a bath now), I remember the flowers blooming in the garden that I took photos of, and I remember the hot pot of porridge I ate. I will always remember her. I will always remember the little things, she will always be a part of my life and little things will always bring back memories, both good and bad.
ANXIETY 🤯 I know this isn't a "pretty" picture but it is a big cause of anxiety for me. I recently mentioned how we make connections between things that trigger memories of our lost loved ones. This is just another one of those but unfortunately not a pleasant memory. This junction on the way into Leeds always gives me so much anxiety and heart ache. It reminds me of the appointments we attended with Silver when we first found out she was sick. It reminds me of the anxiety I would have before those appointments, before seeing a fetal medicine consultant who we didnt get along with and all he wanted to do was terminate of offer palliative care. All it does is remind me of the fact that despite us wanting to fight with everything we had, there was someone in the world who had no faith and didnt want to give our daughter the best chance. There maybe was no hope but he didnt even want to try. I will forever hate that doctor and will forever hate this junction and the memories it stirs.
SILVER ROSE 🌹 From left to right. Beaus Easter bunny from last year, Beaus from this year Silvers from this year, Leilanis from thos year and Silvers from last year. We actually bought last years while she was still alive and we were truly hopeful of her making it. She was in NICU and I had just been discharged, we were living in Crawford House and Beau had come to live with us. We decided to go for a walk into Newcastle city and saw the blue and pink toys. We couldn't help but buy them, excited we had two living children and Silver was doing really well. 🌹 My heart breaks when I remember how hopeful we were, how well she was doing and how suddenly it all changed. Missing her so much at the moment 😭
It's funny how we make connections and associations with things you might not normally put together. I worked my arse off tonight, cooking for the first time in forever making vegan pho. It reminds me of Silver though, because when we've visited Newcastle since she passed away we always go to this little vietnamese place and one of the dishes we order is pho. It's the only place we've ever had this dish and were convince to try it after watching kkandbabyj for years and @khoa_nguyen boasting how good it is. He was right, vietnamese food is delicious and will forever remind me of where I have all my special memories of Silver, all the memories of her being alive. I like to incorporate things into my life that remind me of her. It sounds silly but guacamole is another one. I tried it for the first time ever in Newcastle the night before she was born and now I attribute my guacamole addiction to Silver and like to think of it as our last meal together before I was made nill by mouth the next day for my emergency c section. Grief comes in many shapes and forms and whatever you do that helps you cope is what you should be doing 💖💖
We just couldn't leave Silver Rose out at Easter. And how perfect that this character is aptly named Angel, perfect for my little angel in the sky. I've been struggling quite a bit with grief recently and started sleeping with Silvers blanket again. Yesterday was a lovely day but when it all came to an end I cuddled up and kissed her blanket, wishing she was still here. There will always be part of our family missing, a missing piece of my heart and that's always going to hurt no matter how much time passes by.
I lit two candles tonight. One to wish Adriana @all_for_adriana a very happy first birthday! And also because I haven't lit a candle for my own girl in a while. I feel incredibly guilty that my life has been so chaotic recently that I've neglected Silver a little so I wanted to make sure she knew I still love her deeply and shes always in my thoughts even if I don't always find the time to light her candles 💖

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HOPE 🌹 I have mixed emotions about my association with this porridge. I know it seems another strange thing I've made a connection with but all I can think of whenever I now order this is that I remember eating it on the way to the train the day we came home from Newcastle. Not after she died, no, this was a few days before. It was at a time when she was two weeks old and we had so much hope for the future, she was doing so well, responding and improving. It was the day we came home to collect our belongings and our Toddler, prepared for the long haul of living in Newcastle as she was under NICU care, simply waiting for the day she was well enough to come home. I love the fact it reminds us of the hope we had but I also find that day one of the hardest to remember. The hope we had was the reason it hurt even more. It's the reason we were shocked by her death and the reason for our confusion even to this day. I remember little things about that day so clearly, I remember taking a bath that day at home, still getting used to our new home (something I think about every time I have a bath now), I remember the flowers blooming in the garden that I took photos of, and I remember the hot pot of porridge I ate. I will always remember her. I will always remember the little things, she will always be a part of my life and little things will always bring back memories, both good and bad.
ANXIETY 🤯 I know this isn't a "pretty" picture but it is a big cause of anxiety for me. I recently mentioned how we make connections between things that trigger memories of our lost loved ones. This is just another one of those but unfortunately not a pleasant memory. This junction on the way into Leeds always gives me so much anxiety and heart ache. It reminds me of the appointments we attended with Silver when we first found out she was sick. It reminds me of the anxiety I would have before those appointments, before seeing a fetal medicine consultant who we didnt get along with and all he wanted to do was terminate of offer palliative care. All it does is remind me of the fact that despite us wanting to fight with everything we had, there was someone in the world who had no faith and didnt want to give our daughter the best chance. There maybe was no hope but he didnt even want to try. I will forever hate that doctor and will forever hate this junction and the memories it stirs.
SILVER ROSE 🌹 From left to right. Beaus Easter bunny from last year, Beaus from this year Silvers from this year, Leilanis from thos year and Silvers from last year. We actually bought last years while she was still alive and we were truly hopeful of her making it. She was in NICU and I had just been discharged, we were living in Crawford House and Beau had come to live with us. We decided to go for a walk into Newcastle city and saw the blue and pink toys. We couldn't help but buy them, excited we had two living children and Silver was doing really well. 🌹 My heart breaks when I remember how hopeful we were, how well she was doing and how suddenly it all changed. Missing her so much at the moment 😭
It's funny how we make connections and associations with things you might not normally put together. I worked my arse off tonight, cooking for the first time in forever making vegan pho. It reminds me of Silver though, because when we've visited Newcastle since she passed away we always go to this little vietnamese place and one of the dishes we order is pho. It's the only place we've ever had this dish and were convince to try it after watching kkandbabyj for years and @khoa_nguyen boasting how good it is. He was right, vietnamese food is delicious and will forever remind me of where I have all my special memories of Silver, all the memories of her being alive. I like to incorporate things into my life that remind me of her. It sounds silly but guacamole is another one. I tried it for the first time ever in Newcastle the night before she was born and now I attribute my guacamole addiction to Silver and like to think of it as our last meal together before I was made nill by mouth the next day for my emergency c section. Grief comes in many shapes and forms and whatever you do that helps you cope is what you should be doing 💖💖
We just couldn't leave Silver Rose out at Easter. And how perfect that this character is aptly named Angel, perfect for my little angel in the sky. I've been struggling quite a bit with grief recently and started sleeping with Silvers blanket again. Yesterday was a lovely day but when it all came to an end I cuddled up and kissed her blanket, wishing she was still here. There will always be part of our family missing, a missing piece of my heart and that's always going to hurt no matter how much time passes by.
I lit two candles tonight. One to wish Adriana @all_for_adriana a very happy first birthday! And also because I haven't lit a candle for my own girl in a while. I feel incredibly guilty that my life has been so chaotic recently that I've neglected Silver a little so I wanted to make sure she knew I still love her deeply and shes always in my thoughts even if I don't always find the time to light her candles 💖
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