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My Journey With Silver Rose

Life After Baby Loss – My Story

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By: myjourneywithsilverrose September 21, 2018September 21, 2018

20 week Leilani bump

20 week Leilani bump

20 week Leilani bump

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Posted by:myjourneywithsilverrose

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20 week Pregnancy After Loss Update

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IT'S DIFFERENT 💞 You know people say over time you will heal, and the pain will be less. Usually it's people who have never lost a baby that say that. Pretty much everyone will have lost someone, everyone has experienced grief. The thing is, grief of a baby is different. The pain I felt when my nana passed away, well its lessened. Because it was to be expected eventually of someone her age. We can all accept that ageing is inevitable and that makes the grief easier to come to terms with, it's easier to carry on. 💞 That's not the case with a baby. It's not natural. It's not to be expected. And I promise you, The pain doesn't ease at all. Recently my grief has flared up and I feel like I'm suffocating, I want to scream but I feel like someone is crushing me from the inside. You learn to live with the pain, and some days you might feel happy, but there is always blistering pain beneath the surface. 💞 I just wish people wouldn't keep saying that the pain will lessen, it doesn't and it never will. A piece of me is missing and until the day I am back with her, it will always be missing. She is the reason I hold my two living kiddos that little closer and thank the universe each day I get to see them smiling back at me.
ICEBERG 🌹 New climbing Iceberg rose to replace the dry root which never grew. We actually had two that never grew so I replaced them both today. Can't wait to have a wall of green foliage and white blooms in Silvers memory garden!
JAR OF HEARTS 💞 I cried when I saw this jar in @therangeuk the other day. I don't often buy things like this, my house has enough decorations. I had to buy this though. It reminded me of Silver. You may have heard the song Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri? I know it's not a happy song but it has happy memories for me. After my C section with Silver when she had already gone to NICU and Fab left the room whilst they transferred me onto a different bed, this song played on the radio. I still remember humming along to it. 💞 Part of me associates the lyrics with the heartbreak I feel with my loss and they actually tie in quite well with what I've been through. So I guess you could say it's a happy/ sad song but it's just another thing I now have in my home to remind me of my little princess. It looked darn pretty in my living room last night too 😍
SISTERS 🐘 I love Silver and Leilani being individual, I love the fact they both have their own special things. I also love it from time to time to buy things which bring them together. We hadn't bought any muslin squares for Leilani of her own as we already had so many of Beaus. These however were adorable and at first I wasn't going to buy them. Elephants were Silvers special animal of course. Fabian decided we still should, so that Leilani could have some muslin squares of her own but also it is a reminder of her sister and makes her a part of Leilanis life too. 🐘
My precious rainbow baby. We have this outfit in two sizes as I just loved it so much. It was the first outfit she ever wore. I still remember when she was placed on my chest and the happy tears I cried, to finally have a healthy, living baby. It was such a hard pregnancy, more than Silvers even but I feel so lucky every day to have this little smiler and like to ponder the similarities between her and her sister. 🌈
I absolutely love this photo from Fathers Day. It's hard to believe Silver should have been nearly 18 months, we should have had two toddlers, a baby and two crazy dogs. Hopefully our nice walk helped my hubby get through the tough parts of the day and remind him of how lucky we truly are. He is such an amazing Daddy to three precious babies 💖

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IT'S DIFFERENT 💞 You know people say over time you will heal, and the pain will be less. Usually it's people who have never lost a baby that say that. Pretty much everyone will have lost someone, everyone has experienced grief. The thing is, grief of a baby is different. The pain I felt when my nana passed away, well its lessened. Because it was to be expected eventually of someone her age. We can all accept that ageing is inevitable and that makes the grief easier to come to terms with, it's easier to carry on. 💞 That's not the case with a baby. It's not natural. It's not to be expected. And I promise you, The pain doesn't ease at all. Recently my grief has flared up and I feel like I'm suffocating, I want to scream but I feel like someone is crushing me from the inside. You learn to live with the pain, and some days you might feel happy, but there is always blistering pain beneath the surface. 💞 I just wish people wouldn't keep saying that the pain will lessen, it doesn't and it never will. A piece of me is missing and until the day I am back with her, it will always be missing. She is the reason I hold my two living kiddos that little closer and thank the universe each day I get to see them smiling back at me.
ICEBERG 🌹 New climbing Iceberg rose to replace the dry root which never grew. We actually had two that never grew so I replaced them both today. Can't wait to have a wall of green foliage and white blooms in Silvers memory garden!
JAR OF HEARTS 💞 I cried when I saw this jar in @therangeuk the other day. I don't often buy things like this, my house has enough decorations. I had to buy this though. It reminded me of Silver. You may have heard the song Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri? I know it's not a happy song but it has happy memories for me. After my C section with Silver when she had already gone to NICU and Fab left the room whilst they transferred me onto a different bed, this song played on the radio. I still remember humming along to it. 💞 Part of me associates the lyrics with the heartbreak I feel with my loss and they actually tie in quite well with what I've been through. So I guess you could say it's a happy/ sad song but it's just another thing I now have in my home to remind me of my little princess. It looked darn pretty in my living room last night too 😍
SISTERS 🐘 I love Silver and Leilani being individual, I love the fact they both have their own special things. I also love it from time to time to buy things which bring them together. We hadn't bought any muslin squares for Leilani of her own as we already had so many of Beaus. These however were adorable and at first I wasn't going to buy them. Elephants were Silvers special animal of course. Fabian decided we still should, so that Leilani could have some muslin squares of her own but also it is a reminder of her sister and makes her a part of Leilanis life too. 🐘
My precious rainbow baby. We have this outfit in two sizes as I just loved it so much. It was the first outfit she ever wore. I still remember when she was placed on my chest and the happy tears I cried, to finally have a healthy, living baby. It was such a hard pregnancy, more than Silvers even but I feel so lucky every day to have this little smiler and like to ponder the similarities between her and her sister. 🌈
I absolutely love this photo from Fathers Day. It's hard to believe Silver should have been nearly 18 months, we should have had two toddlers, a baby and two crazy dogs. Hopefully our nice walk helped my hubby get through the tough parts of the day and remind him of how lucky we truly are. He is such an amazing Daddy to three precious babies 💖
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