16 Week Pregnancy After Loss Update

I’m back, and more organized this week! I decided to get a head start and get writing this before my sixteen weeks are fully up so it might actually be posted on time this week. (scrap that, I got off to a good start then the fatigue hit me throughout this last week and I’m behind once again!) My biggest issue for the past two weeks has been morning sickness. Or, should I say, “tea time onwards sickness” and “all through the night sickness”. I would say it starts around 4pm and most nights instead of me and Fabian chilling on the sofa together or me doing crafts once Beau is in bed I end up laid in bed all night while Fab strokes my back! I have found this pretty emotional and demotivational as I haven’t really had much “me” time recently. All I want to do all day is be sick but thankfully I’ve not actually thrown up once in this pregnancy yet!

As I said last week, and I’m going to try my hardest again, I will be trying to write this in chronological order and hopefully it wont quite be as lengthy as last weeks blog post was! My fifteen weeks actually started pretty hectic, preparing for the fundraiser we had planned at our business stall on the Wednesday. I spent the day at my mums baking fresh goods for the stall, watching after Beau and preparing the special hamper for the Tiny Lives raffle. I tend to need naps during the day since getting pregnant, more so than Beau it would seem but to have a day without a nap was pretty exhausting! I’ve gone into more details about the fundraising day itself on a separate post which will be uploaded soon so wont cover it in this blog in fear of repeating myself!

bump at thornton show

One thing I promised in my last blog was to talk about a theme idea I had for baby. The night before the show we went to Morrisons for picnic food. Somehow my feet led me to the baby clothes and lets just say I couldn’t help myself. I know we don’t know the gender but apparently they offer a 200 day money back guarantee so that wasn’t an issue. As you all know Silver’s special animal was Elephants. Although I have loved to buy elephant clothes for this new baby to include Silver I also want this baby to be its own individual self and come home in something unique to this baby. Both me and Fabian think it’s a girl from all the old wives tales but we don’t know for sure. I have however made the decision that if it is a girl the theme will be unicorns! I also decided the towel I bought was too cute and I don’t care what gender it is, it’s having a unicorn towel! The saddest part is when I have the intrusive thoughts in my head of how the 200 day money back guarantee would not only be useful for wrong gender but if it turned out this baby too was unwell.

morrisons unicorn baby gear

I had actually had a migraine start on the Monday, the day before I turned fifteen weeks and by the Thursday I was still struggling with a grey spot in my vision. It was starting to really panic me because normally my vision issues only last a couple of days. Isn’t it strange how there was no emergency appointments so Fabian did a telephone appointment on my behalf with a doctor and suddenly I was told to go in and there was space available. Its always worrying when they insist on you coming in but thankfully the doctor was lovely and confirmed it was just a bad hemiplegic migraine attack. He was shocked the stroke doctor/ neurologist had never put me on any medication but was happy that if I was okay with enduring them to not give me any medication. He fully understood with me being close to the “danger zone” in the pregnancy that I wasn’t comfortable taking medication even if it was deemed pregnancy safe.

I have noticed stress is my migraine trigger and unfortunately when you are facing pregnancy after loss and approaching the time where you found out your previous child was unwell its very hard not to succumb to an anxious disposition. Recently I have also made a decision about a goal I really would like to achieve after my children are grown up and I am no longer home-schooling. A lifelong dream of mine has been to fly a plane. Originally, I wanted a private pilot license but have since shifted and decided I’d like to fly commercial airlines. I know its not something relevant to my current way of living but if I have a condition which keeps effecting my eyesight I have started to worry this could mean I am not allowed to pursue my dream. Of course, me worrying about that hasn’t exactly helped the migraines at all. I don’t actually drive a car so I don’t even know if it would effect that but my doctor wasn’t sure about it effecting a pilot license – also not reassuring. I always seem to end up with rare incurable conditions, perhaps one day I will tell you a bit more about my diagnosis of a sleep disorder called idiopathic hypersomnia.

I notice I’m getting a little off track, so lets get back to pregnancy talk! One thing I did do at fifteen weeks was be kind to myself. Its so easy to neglect ourselves and be our own worst critic but I decided I knew I was too unwell to look after Beau and needed a rest day. It was so beneficial to myself to do this, helping the migraine recover a little and I then felt rejuvenated and motivated which was great. I got the rest I needed and then managed to have a day where I got some chores done, made the house tidy and generally took care of myself. It was so rewarding when Beau and Fabian came home that night too and we had a family dinner together and I was actually able to enjoy the time I spent with Beau instead of feeling tired and cranky.

Over the fifteen weeks weekend fell Silver’s six month birthday which I have wrote an individual blog post on (currently working on). From a pregnancy point of view it was pretty exhausting travelling two hours away from home. We also did a lot of walking and got to the point we were so exhausted we came home earlier than planned. I had hoped to go for a walk in the park I had always looked at from the hospital and lay a rose there for Silver but I was just too tired and we ended up walking back to the car instead. I guess one awkward part about being pregnant was my constant need to wee which meant I ended up actually going into the hospital where Silver had been out of desperation. It wasn’t somewhere I had planned on going back to but it was that or I take the risk of walking with a full bladder and not the strongest pelvic floor muscles you could say…

 

The last day of being fifteen weeks was by far the best day! I had my hand resting on my belly and I felt some strong tiny kicks. I called Fab to come feel and for the first time he got to feel baby kick! With my anterior placenta I don’t feel movement much at all so this was so special to not only actually feel kicks but for Fabian to feel them too. It was such a special moment and I’m so glad in that moment I took a photo to capture it. The placenta issue has been rather upsetting for me since kicks are a way to bond with baby and also an indicator of how well the baby is. So not being able to feel movement reliably has been quite hard and many times I’ve asked “why me?”. It feels so unfair after losing Silver to then have my placenta blocking the one thing that puts my mind at ease and is an actual enjoyable part of pregnancy.

baby kicks

On the last day we also went to our local mother care, by local I mean about an hour away. It is unfortunately shutting down which is such a shame as there is no other local baby stores now. A positive from this however is that there was a sale! It was hard not knowing the gender but we picked a few outfits, two we felt were gender neutral and one I couldn’t resist with a unicorn. With it being in the sale they were non returnable but I decided if baby is a boy we will either keep the outfit as a gift or save it in case we ever did have more children in the future. I also got a maternity top I had actually been wanting for a while and bought Beau some weaning items (snack pots and more cutlery). All in all from a pregnancy point of view it was a day where we felt pretty positive and able to look forward and feel hope.

 

Now we turn to sixteen weeks. I did have an appointment booked one day for my mental health worker to come to the house but I completely freaked out just before and had to cancel. It is so handy that she can come to the house which means Fabian doesn’t have to drive me to appointments but with me not knowing her very well yet and having a bit of an unstable moment I had a panic attack of seeing her. I was unable to control my anxiety to a reasonable level to allow her to even come see me so she could help. Sixteen weeks is when my mum had first noticed my bump with Silver was a little bit small and since we didn’t know when Silver became ill between twelve and twenty weeks I personally felt anxious as soon as sixteen weeks hit. I honestly dreaded turning sixteen weeks and my once manageable anxiety suddenly became rather unmanageable and all consuming.

I did however have a midwife appointment on the Friday and despite feeling very miserable before attending, left feeling much better. We had got the time wrong so I refused to go into the surgery until Fabian confirmed if she was still able to see me. I love how Beau responds in awe when she does the doppler, just as he did with Silver but appointments with him are not fun! It can be stressful trying to arrange someone to watch him for each and every appointment but he is going through a terrible twos mischievous phase and a lot of the time I just have to tell Fabian to leave me and take Beau away for a walk. Baby on the other hand was great and heart rate was approx. 140bpm.

One thing she did mention was to be trying to talk to the baby to bond and help babies development. Its actually something I hadn’t really thought about, I did of course do it with both Beau and Silver. I think I’ve just been afraid to bond too much and generally anxious all the time so it’s not crossed my mind to try. I have wrote letters to the baby for them to read in the future, just as I do for Beau but of course the baby doesn’t really benefit from that right now! I had tried since then to make a more conscientious effort to talk to the little one and bond with him/ her more.

We did have a bit of a cock up with scan appointments too which you will learn more about in the next blog post but basically we had a plan for a scan at fifteen and seventeen weeks. This would then work around Newcastle who asked for a scan at sixteen weeks to see the kidneys. Yet in the post the appointment was for the day before fifteen weeks and then for the day I turn eighteen weeks. Worrying that this would be too far away from what Newcastle wanted we got our community midwife to call and thankfully they were able to instead book it for seventeen weeks. Lets just say all did not go as planned with these scans but you can find out more in my eighteen week update! I promise there will be lots of cute scan pictures for you to see.

I didn’t really get much chance to “be pregnant” on the Saturday as poor Beau woke up very late and was rather unwell all day. This is the third time he’s had an episode where it would seem he is very lethargic and under the weather. I absolutely detest anyone feeding Beau sugar and I’m constantly telling Fabian off for letting him have Oreos because daddy is eating them so he wants some. But on occasions like this I know he needs his blood sugar to come up from the past when its been low at the hospital and yet he didn’t even want Oreos! (Hula hoops did the trick – I detest junk food but any was better than none) It was actually a day where I felt like an accomplished parent because I was able to look after him and it wasn’t hard work because all he wanted to do was cuddle and sleep! Thankfully the next day he was completely back to normal, causing chaos and into everything.

 

Well I guess pregnancy wise I don’t have much else to share! For the most up to date info on the pregnancy and sneak peaks check out my Instagram @rainbow_and_angel_mummy and my Facebook page. Thanks for reading and following my story, it means so much to me and I love and appreciate all the support I’m getting from the online community when the real world can sometimes feel isolating.

Until next time,

Holly x