Eleven weeks already? How did the first trimester go so quickly? Silver’s felt never ending yet I feel this one feels it is over before its even begun. Okay so technically I’ve got a week and a bit left but still I feel like it was only yesterday we got the news. Nonetheless I’ve got plenty to share and tell you guys so let’s just dig in.
It would probably be wise for you to understand exactly what I’m talking about by reading my post regarding the post mortem results but one thing I’ve found different in the last two weeks unfortunately is a lack of excitement. I was told there was anything from a 1% chance to a 25% chance of this baby getting ill like Silver, but basically they have no idea and can’t predict or give me exact answers. I had been coping pretty well emotionally in this pregnancy so far and despite everything that happened with Silver I was optimistic and hopeful for a healthy baby and wasn’t actually overly worried. This all changed when I was told the potential one in four scenario. Of course, that still isn’t high odds but it’s enough to make me feel until we are at the sixteen/ twenty week mark and I’m shown a healthy baby I don’t feel I can get truly excited.
I had three very healthy, happy scans with Silver and last week I was lucky enough to see a very healthy looking baby at ten weeks. I absolutely broke down when she showed me this little one, especially with it actually looking like a baby now! I was expecting nothing to be there and it was such a shock to see a real living baby. I then felt rather tearful in the waiting room too which people probably thought meant I had had bad news but in actual fact I was simply sad. I felt as if I can’t allow myself to fall in love with this baby because I know damn well how much it’s going to hurt if something goes wrong. It upsets me that I feel I have to put up a certain barrier and almost not allow myself to bond fully with the baby yet. Part of me however also feels guilty and thinks this baby no matter what happens deserves to be loved and cherished despite how much a loss might hurt. This baby still deserves all the love in the world. It’s a confusing place to mentally be in.
This then leads onto my next topic, mental health. There were some external stressors last week which drastically impacted our family and my mental wellbeing. It caused Fabian stress which impacted his ability to help me cope and we ended up in a bad place where I became quite suicidal. Unfortunately, I ended up going via ambulance to hospital to reluctantly speak with the crisis team even though I know they are terrible! I went alone so it was a very stressful evening where I sat for many hours waiting to see a doctor. He was actually very kind to me and understanding and we made a plan for the crisis team to call me the next day instead as it was the day we were getting post mortem results so I could potentially go even more downhill. I left feeling happy with the plan of care.
Of course, the crisis team never phoned me! And the last time I had plucked up the courage to phone them I was told by the man who answered that he was just going out to a meeting and could I call back in an hour, this was a kick in the teeth for someone scared of using the phone. I was mid crisis and basically told I wasn’t important enough. I wondered if the doctor had never phoned the crisis team but I found out this week my mental health nurse did not call me due to the system saying the crisis team were going to call me. So I was suicidal and left with no support. I have pursued a complaint once before with this crisis team and will be doing so again. I am also planning on contacting my local MP because if this is the only service available in this area, no wonder suicide rates are on the increase!
Let’s get back to talking more about pregnancy itself though. Physically I am still struggling with the nausea. I am driving Fabian absolutely insane because I am always hungry yet nothing is appealing at all and I never know what I want to eat. Nothing sounds good. One thing as well I’ve been finding frustrating is personally I love savoury food, especially anything salty but my body seems to be preferring sweet stuff which I don’t really like! We have stocked up on fruit this week though and I am more than happy to make my way through that and I’ve got some breakfast bars and some mini graze chocolate oat squares to snack on too when nothing else is appealing. Its strange to be eating those when all I can think of is how I lived off them at Newcastle – it was one of the few vegan options in the hospital shop so I had several every day since Newcastle didn’t really have any vegan puddings for my meals! I guess in some ways this makes me feel close to Silver and as though she is watching over me since I associate them with her beautiful short life.
Physically I also seem to be breaking out really badly! I am wondering if this means I’m having a girl? I think it would be fun to explore some gender myths and see which ones turn out to be correct! One big change however that we have made this week which has so far drastically helped symptoms is poor Fabian is now sleeping on the sofa. I was generally having really disturbed sleep and waking often for no reason, which I did in my last pregnancy. That added to him snoring and waking me all night plus fighting for space with all my extra pillows meant I was getting no sleep at all. It is something we had to do in all previous pregnancies too and I do miss him but I was desperate for sleep. I am hoping to get some debts paid off soon and possibly for Christmas time look into purchasing a larger bed than a regular double. A treat for my last month of pregnancy and we generally need more space and a new mattress anyway.
One thing I’ve found really strange about this pregnancy is how much I want to repeat all the things I did in my pregnancy with Silver. I am really interested to know if other people who have gone through pregnancy after loss have felt like this. I think my body almost wishes it was getting a second chance to do over the last pregnancy and wants to believe this is a second chance with Silver but I know deep down this is a very different baby with a completely different personality no doubt. I’ve found its silly little things like I remember watching the Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them film when I was in my first trimester with Silver and so I’ve wanted to watch that again or I’ve wanted to die my hair pink again. There is however this superstitious part of me that doesn’t want to replicate any part of Silvers pregnancy because I’m so scared of it jinxing this pregnancy! I am actually planning on writing a post about superstitions due to miscarriage and baby loss because I know I am definitely guilty of doing this since losing two babies myself and I’ve heard other people have had similar feelings.
I feel like some nesting has possibly kicked in, or then again, it’s probably just me liking a tidy home but I got Silver’s shelf put up this week. Okay so Fabian put it up, with one hole in the wrong spot but apparently the drill slipped so I’ll forgive him! It feels so good to have Silver as such a prominent part of our living room and a place where we can celebrate not only pictures but special items which mean so much to us and represent her. We don’t tend to have people over at our house really but at least I know if we ever do it will most likely be a conversation piece and give me the opportunity to proudly talk of my baby girl and how amazing she is.
We did also “celebrate” Silvers five month birthday this week by lighting her candle for the first time. During the day I didn’t have much chance to think about it as it was probably the most hectic day we had this week but when it came to evening time it hit me and I could feel the lump in my throat. I was triggered slightly by the fact someone had jumped our 6ft fence that evening, which we though was an issue that had been resolved but the time when we had all the problems was just before Silver was born. So it brought back all the memories of me feeling unsafe and being so stressed and anxiety triggered whilst being heavily pregnant with Silver which upset me. The lack of respect these children have when they honestly have no idea what impact it had when we were already going through hell and I’m so scared of it becoming a bad omen for this pregnancy.
Just before going to sleep that night I filmed a bit of how I was feeling for my video updates and got quite tearful the more I thought about it all. In the end Fabian came upstairs where I had a good cry in his arms. This is the first time I’ve probably cried like that with Fabian about Silver in a few weeks, I guess its good to let it out but at the same time allowing all that pain to come back in leaves me feeling broken and drained. I think this is why I sometimes try to distract myself and not think about it too much but at the same time we are moving farther away from that time with Silver and I want to remember everything and cherish every memory we do have. I wish time would stand still or rewind so I don’t have to keep moving away from her.
Something I do try to be really conscious of is the terminology I use to describe Silver. I try my best to never use past tense. I never want to say I “was” her mummy or she “was” amazing. Just because she isn’t here doesn’t mean I suddenly am not her mummy nor does it mean her impact on this earth is finished, she was and is an amazing influence on my life and hopefully many other people too and will always be a big part of my life. It’s something that so many people who have no lost a child probably don’t even think about but when you do give it some thought it completely makes sense, especially to the grieving parent who still holds their baby dear even if not in their arms.
I hope you’ve enjoyed reading my little pregnancy update, I will most likely be posting every two weeks but I may start from twelve weeks with a short post as I don’t particularly want to do a thirteen week update. Yep, I’m being a bit superstitious and silly but if It gives me peace of mind its probably for the best I stick to nice even numbers!
Until next time,
*Since writing this a couple days ago I can confirm I am craving soy sauce! I am dipping plain pasta into it, adding extra to my pot noodles and eating with rice noodles! Oh, and I’m enjoying a good old salty crisp sandwich from time to time now.