Any grieving parent will be familiar with the phrase “carrying a child in their heart”. This is so true for us anyway. We carry Beau in our arms, Stork and Silver in our hearts and New Bean is in my belly. Usually I have a picture of Silver on my bedside table but I decided when we booked our trip to Disney Paris I wanted to take her physically with us. I really wanted to feel she was a part of our holiday too. So we did. We packed one of her vests and her photo frame.
I wanted to take pictures of her everywhere we went. It just felt normal to take photos of her, just as we were doing of Beau. It was her first time ever on a boat so of course we had to document it and celebrate it. I’m not going to lie, I wanted to cry my eyes out at the same time. It was such a happy day, taking Beau on his second holiday yet we didn’t have Silver with us in the way she should have been. I did manage to hold back the tears and I do wonder if anyone noticed what I was taking a picture of. There were many occasions on holiday I felt tearful unfortunately. Thanks to Fabians phone which is better at focussing on what you actually want it to we got some beautiful pictures though.
As soon as we arrived at the campsite it just felt natural to unpack and immediately put Silvers picture on the table and hang her little vest so we could see it. She was always in view from every part of the caravan and was even a part of Fathers Day on our second day there. Fabian got three cards in total, naturally one from the pets, one from Beau, Stork and New Bean and then one from Silver. I love the fact Silver’s actually came in a Silver envelope too. Fab got some little presents from The Vegan Kind and also a beautiful print from an amazing company called The Little Lenny Company. Their products are amazing and I will certainly be ordering from them again.
There was a pool with a beach at our camping ground with luscious soft sand which we went for a walk to on the Sunday and this was my attempt at writing Silvers name. In hindsight I should have wet the sand as it didn’t quite go to plan with it being so soft. We don’t tend to have that issue in the UK! Nonetheless it was still just another part of our trip that Silver was as much a part of as we all were. I noticed people watch me do this and I wish they had asked or I had the confidence to boldly explain what I was doing.
We decided since we were so close to Disney to make the absolute most and being crazy Disney fans booked tickets for two days. This was not at all easy to do with a toddler and pregnant lady! We had many tantrums and there wasn’t really enough for Beau to do nor could I actually go on anything I wanted to. We did however capture Silver’s first time at Disney! Once again Fabian’s phone did an amazing job of capturing this. I was worried initially that security to get into Disney wouldn’t allow me to take the photo in due to the sharp corners however thankfully even going through the scanner they never even questioned it.
The last picture I wanted to share was of Silver outside our caravan. We had actually handed the keys in and checked out when I realised I hadn’t taken a picture like this. I made Fabian drive back to the caravan which thankfully no one had yet gone to clean etc. and took some last minute pictures of Silver on our holiday. I no doubt will always do this on future holidays too and maybe if I’m lucky, when family members travel with Silver they may also take her along with them.
I think this is a beautiful thing to do and personally it helps me find my new normal which still includes Silver. This is my way of grieving and I’m so glad that even if she is not in my arms she is such a big part of my life and I can still share my life with her.
Until next time,