Hi Everyone! I am so excited to be sharing this post, you might have already seen the announcement on Instagram but we have booked a holiday! I know you must be wondering why this is relevant to loss or parenting after loss but I think this is our way of saying we are still carrying on with our life and also we have done it as a break away from the cruel reminders at home and a way to mentally recover with a break and time dedicated to our own wellbeing.
It sounds awful but we had already spoke of going to Disney this year but in some ways hoped we would have a reason not to go. When we were told Silver was very ill there were times we pondered what life would be like after her, despite not wanting to believe it would be a possibility. I can’t tell you how much I wish we weren’t going and were still in Crawford House Newcastle going to see our baby every day and I do feel guilty in a way that we are allowing life to carry on. But if we didn’t allow life to still happen it would affect our toddler and our own mental wellbeing.
A couple of days following Silvers passing we actually decided we needed to get out of the hospital and get some fresh air, we had heard Toys R Us was shutting down and thought we would go look for discounted toys for Beau’s birthday. There actually wasn’t anything interesting but we proceeded into the nearby shopping centre and decided to pick up some brochures on Disney Paris, okay we also got ones on America too – we can dream can’t we? Fabian actually felt a little embarrassed we had got them and had them in our room where we still had an assigned neonatal nurse every shift. We didn’t want them to think we had moved on so quickly, I think after going through the hell of the pregnancy, enjoying the 16 days and then losing her had really taken a toll and we both knew for our own sanity we needed a proper family break.
Now I’m not suggesting you go and book an expensive holiday, in all fairness ours wasn’t too expensive. Even taking a day to drive somewhere different can appease that desire for space and different surroundings. We actually booked our holiday with Eurocamp for 4 nights in a campsite near Paris. We have usually gone to Holland but as Disney was our focus it made sense to find a big family friendly campsite in France. In all honesty I also did not want to do the overnight ferry from Hull to Rotterdam again – we were vegan last year doing this journey and they did not cater at all so we had two starving parents and almost 1 year old. At least this time it will only be a two hour ferry crossing which hopefully my morning sickness will tolerate.
I thought I’d quickly tell you a bit about our plans for the holiday but first I did want to mention something I had decided last night. We had gone shopping to buy Beau some sandals as he only has trainers and wellies and then I realised I wanted to take Silver with us. I am planning on taking my little photo frame of Silver with us to take photo’s of her on her holidays but I also wanted to buy her an outfit. It was a hard thing knowing what to do, we are currently in the process of appealing my PIP claim which has left money tight and part of me said to myself I’m silly buying an outfit for a deceased baby. Only, I want her to be a part of this journey too. I decided I will buy her a Disney outfit for going away but only if I find one I really like whereas I was close to impulse spending purely because I was emotional and was going to buy her a £10 dress which was nice but I wasn’t going “wow” which makes me think would I have bought that for her if she was here. If I can’t find anything I like I might wait and actually buy her an outfit in Disney Paris itself.
I know eventually I will need to stop buying her these outfits as I will quite literally run out of space to put them all but at the moment I think I just need to keep doing what feels right and to me it feels right because its making me feel she is still a part of our life. I will probably always buy her a birthday present each year and Christmas and when special occasions arise she will always be made to be a part of it. She was and always will be a huge part of our lives. I really think this break will do us the world of good for trying to move forward feeling more refreshed and positive about the future but I of course have no expectations for the pain to be any less, it’s a pain we are just learning to adapt to and get used to.
I’d love to tell you a bit more about what we have planned for the holiday. We set off on the Saturday and I am quite excited that Starbucks have finally released a vegan cake so I am hoping we will start the day off right with coffee and cake! It’s a long drive for us to get to Dover from North Yorkshire so I’m sure there will be plenty toilet stops and chances for beau to stretch his legs. I’ve also been instructed by my midwife to move my legs regularly to prevent DVT. I think we are boarding a lunchtime crossing and then driving our way to the campsite, hopefully able to understand road signs and the language! We will probably be exhausted but if anything will go exploring and possibly swimming.
The Sunday will be Father’s Day so I am hoping we will be having a BBQ and doing whatever the hubby would like. I do have a very special gift for him but obviously can’t share on here right now! Despite him being dyslexic I always like him to proof read before I upload! I am really hoping being on holiday will help him cope but I am aware that when it was Mother’s Day soon after Silver passed away I actually attempted to hang myself that day. Admittedly I don’t believe his mental health to be as severe as mine but I know just how much a difficult day it will be nonetheless. Depending on how it goes I may see if he would be willing to collaborate with me to write a post for you guys to show his side of the grieving process from a dad’s point of view.
I think we are hoping to go to the Disney on the Monday which is about 90 minutes drive from our campsite. I’ve been following an account on Instagram called @vegandisneylandparis and its reassured me there will actually be nice food for us to all eat as a family! In all fairness I’m really excited about shopping while we are there, I won’t be able to go on many rides whilst pregnant but I am hoping there might be some Beauty and the Beast jewellery – hoping for some good quality Silver Rose items! I’m pretty excited about us all going on the Dumbo ride too!!
We are also debating going into Paris but I’m not going to lie it makes me nervous, we would have to get public transport and I cannot speak a word of French. I did it for two years at school but I never knew how to pronounce anything and just got confused. I get so nervous with language barriers but we can’t really afford to travel to an English speaking country. I have heard Paris is great for vegan options too which would be nice to treat ourselves as not many places near where we live offer vegan options. Believe it or not this will be my fourth time going to Disney Paris and I’ve been close to Paris a few times before yet never actually been into Paris and seen the Eiffel Tower. How strange is it to say I live in a neighbouring country to France yet I saw the Eiffel Tower in Vegas first! So it will be a first for all of us if we do decide to venture into the city.
I can’t recommend Eurocamp holidays enough, they are so reasonably priced and are per family not per person! There is a multitude of options for accommodation including safari tents to static caravans and more. We feel the most appropriate for a toddler with tantrums is the more sound proof caravan option although perhaps in the future we will do the tent option which is amazingly affordable! I have travelled all over the world, from Asia, Australia, Africa, USA… but for travelling with a toddler personally I don’t think we could manage the long-haul flights so will be saving those trips for the future and enjoying exploring places closer to home!
As I said, you don’t need to even book a holiday to have a break. Me and Fabian love going for drives in the car and simply adventuring new places and scenery. It usually helps us talk to each other too as we are in a confined space yet a less stressful environment. Or sometimes its nice to just be able to escape and have that space on your own, I know recently there has been many times when I really wish I had continued to pursue learning to drive. Find what works for you and allow yourself some self-care and healing time. The pain might not go away but at least it may help you carry on forward through this journey of loss that we are all trying to navigate.
Check out my Instagram @rainbow_and_angel_mummy for up to date pictures but I will most likely be writing about our trip too.
Until next time,