Hi Everyone! I hope you have all had a lovely weekend and enjoyed this glorious weather. I have actually had a good weekend and decided it was worth sharing since I feel like super mum right now. Okay I know that sounds a bit condescending but for some reason recently I feel like I am actually grasping this whole parenting thing! I’ve had issues with sleep in the past and found it hard to look after Beau on my own all day so he has sometimes gone with Fabian to work and I’ve barely felt like a mum at all at times. Recently with Fabian going back to work though I’ve had Beau stay home with me and I sleep when he does. Its worked out really well. I feel happier getting up on a morning and feel I’m understanding Beau more. He seems to be responding well to a routine too and we haven’t had as many tantrums. But the best part is how many cuddles I’ve had. He loves to snuggle with me in our swivel chair, suck his blanket and we read a book or watch CBeebies.
So, this weekend I continued my good sleep routine and managed to get up in the morning on Saturday. We decided to go shopping as I literally have no clothes that fit me. I only have one pair of maternity jeans but let’s face it, they’re a painful reminder of what I’ve lost and not particularly helpful for the grieving process. I only have one pair of jogging bottoms that fit and even all my stretchy leggings are too tight on my still existing baby bump. Not only are they too tight but they either sit directly on my C Section scar or on the area above which is numb and tingly which hurts so bad! With all this warm weather we also needed to get Beau some shorts as we’ve had him naked a lot recently with trousers being too hot. It’s so awkward with baby clothes, you could spend an absolute fortune on the cutest outfits and two months later they’ve outgrown them and we’re back to square one. The positive is that he’s now at the age we don’t have to do that quite as frequently as we used to.
It was about an hour drive to the shops and was a pleasant journey via the back roads enjoying the country side. Beau fell asleep on the ride across which is always handy and tends to put him in a good mood. (He likes to put his blanket over his head, see below!). It’s been a really long time since I’ve ever bought myself any nice clothes and I wasn’t really too sure where to start so we just proceeded to browse each of the shops in turn. I was starting to worry a bit about the price of jeans considering I am hoping to not always be this size but thankfully found loads of things I wanted to buy with good quality and at great prices at H&M. I’m usually a size 8. Well I used to be before Beau. I thought maybe I was a 10 or at a stretch a 12? Nope it turns out I’ve gone up three sizes to a 14!! I’m not going to lie. I hated trying the jeans and shorts on. I saw every stretch mark and little bit of cellulite. I had a big belly, chunky thighs and it seems my arms are even showing my weight gain too. I know, I know, those marks and weight gain gave me two beautiful babies.
Trust me I really want to write an inspiring post about body confidence but I don’t think I’m quite there myself yet and I feel honest transparency is key. You see, I even worry that people are going to think I’m ungrateful, at least I have a child right. And I had a second one for so long too. I understand that’s more than some people have ever got and I am truly grateful and I do love the fact I’ve experienced carrying two children within me but I’m in a predicament. Although I love what my body has done I was already self-conscious as a size 8! I was never toned because I hate exercise and I still do. So I guess at the moment I’m more unhappy about the fact I am actually going to have to work hard if I want the desired body I have in mind. I feel guilty sometimes because I don’t want to seem ungrateful for the reasons behind those marks, I know many women who can wear them in pride. Actually I do too, I love my stretch marks, the only problem is I want my skin to go back to its normal size now, battle scars and all. Unfortunately due to this world and society I also have it in my head if I don’t look a certain way Fabian wont find me attractive anymore which after losing Silver is the last thing I need because having a strong relationship and feeling loved by each other I think is so important to getting through this together.
Now that I’ve had a little moan about my self-pity let’s talk about the actual enjoyable parts of the weekend. We bought baby clothes! Always so much fun. Beau got some denim shorts, two new sets of socks, Disney T-shirts I am in love with and a harry potter matching set. Fabian treated himself to some new jeans which he desperately needed really. He has a big challenge to face next weekend where he will be wearing them. He is going to my brother’s “stag do”, which just so happens to be in Newcastle. They’re going to see a football match and have a meal. Not only will that be difficult being back in Newcastle but the football ground is about a two minute walk from the hospital where Silver was. And of course, another obstacle which we know will be Fabians biggest challenge is the train ride home on his own. He no doubt will be on the phone to me most of the journey so we can support each other as we are trying to cope whilst being apart.
There was one other item we also bought and I hope you don’t judge me for this. Now we aren’t trying to conceive right now at all. My body isn’t quite ready and I think my head isn’t either. Part of me would love to be pregnant again but I just need a bit of time to focus on Silver first. However, with that in mind we did purchase the outfit pictured below. We know one day we will try again for a rainbow baby and this seemed perfect. We both loved it, especially since it was Disney and wanted to buy it not to say we were “over” Silver but just to keep for when the time was right even if that was years from now.
Anyway, we also went a bit further and I bought some gardening bits at a few other shops while Beau said hello to some greyhound rescues. We treated ourselves to some delicious Thai and Japanese vegan food from Marks and Sparks before heading home over the luscious green hills. We had minimal tantrums and it was just nice to be up early and get out and away from home in the fresh air. We then had a pleasant evening with not only Beau going to bed early but after spending a bit of time chilling together and me planning our garden we actually went to bed at 10pm! That might be pretty normal for some parents, but we usually go to sleep at 3am! To be honest since Silver we haven’t been sleeping well at all so I think getting into a better routine and especially me looking after Beau it is making me fall asleep quicker on a night as I’m so exhausted.
As for Sunday we had a really lovely day too. We got up when Beau woke up and then got to work gardening with the help of my dad. You can’t help but feel happy when the sun is shining! Me and Beau planted his first ever sunflower seeds too. He was very actively helping put the compost into the pots and then transfer them in between each pot several times! To be honest I think he just enjoyed the messy play, I think his favourite part was tipping all the water over that I had ready for his watering can and he had fun splashing about. He wasn’t all that interested in actually putting the seeds into the pots but he did do about three of them.
I’m actually planning a memorial wall for Silver with specific flowers and it was nice to have a helping hand from my dad to get the last of my Dicentra’s into the ground. I still need a couple more plants but for now we have three Dicentra’s which are also known as bleeding hearts- I already had these plants but as they’re starting to flower thought it was most appropriate to resemble the heartbreak we have felt with losing Silver. The only problem is our house was not built on good ground and there are huge concrete blocks randomly in the ground so I needed extra help with the digging! I will post a picture for you guys once her memorial wall is finished.
We realised we couldn’t level our back garden as planned and needed to hire equipment first to turn the soil and break it up better so we woke Beau early from his nap and went to a friend’s dog show. I found it a bit stressful having Beau and our dog Alaska, its like having two toddlers only she is actually better behaved! I love Beau to pieces but naturally he gravitated towards other children and I am so awkward with other children. I either don’t understand what they’re saying or I’m trying to pretend I’m not completely uncomfortable talking with a strange little being. I admire children’s courage to speak up to people but I’m so socially inept it can be quite intimidating. I really hope I’m not the only mum out there like that. I’m great with my own kids but just clueless with other ones still, you could say I have my own brand of maternal instinct. Nonetheless Alaska won 2nd in naughtiest dog for her story of the time she ate £100 and we had to wait for it to come back out the other end for us to send to the bank!
We did actually have a lovely evening too. We read bedtime stories and enjoyed having Alaska back home. She’s been staying at my mums whilst I was pregnant with Silver to help reduce the number of things we had to stress over. Me and Fabian watched a hilarious film after Beau went to bed and it felt good to properly laugh for the first time in a long time.
Of course, Silver was always in the back of our minds and there is always a tinge of sadness each day but this honestly felt like this first time in a long time we were starting to feel a little bit happy. I did get very upset out of nowhere just before falling asleep though and had a good cry. I wonder if anyone else has experienced this too with grieving but sometimes the good times can also affect you negatively too? You feel guilty for feeling happy so soon after losing your loved one and you also think about how different these positive experiences could have been. The fact we could have been doing all these things as a family of four. The fact I see people with little baby girls or I see the double pram we were days away from buying just before we found out the bad news, it really hurts. Sometimes just when I think my life is starting to look better and feel good it hits me so hard and knocks me like a freight train. I guess this is the reality of being the mummy to and Angel. It’s a tough job because its only the most special mums who get babies this precious.
I will forever be grateful Silver was and still is a part of my life. I carry on because I have to, because I have an amazing little boy who deserves all the love in the world and he is the best big brother Silver could have had.
I hope I have many more pleasant times with my family to share with you guys.
Until next time,