I know it would seem odd to miss somewhere with such negative memories and I really do wonder if other people ever miss the place where their baby was in hospital like I am doing. Of course if our car hadn’t got trashed and we actually had a functioning mode of transport it would just hurt to actually go back to Newcastle and I wouldn’t be able to. Part of me completely understands Silver is gone but because she looked so different once she passed there’s another part of me that thinks my soft warm little cherub is still having tantrums and being a diva in that incubator and we brought home a different baby. When I have these moments of forgetting I feel this desire to go back to Newcastle, thinking that she is there waiting for me and this desperation of the comfort I would feel seeing her. The only problem is that’s not an option. She isn’t there waiting for me.
I think especially since Silver lived for 16 days and we also spent 5 days with her after she passed away I got used to living in Newcastle. We were in a routine. Every 6 hours we would go change her nappy and sit beside her incubator. Most afternoons we would go for a walk to the shops for food and fresh air. We got used to being within them hospital walls, hearing the beeps and washing our hands dozens of times every few minutes! It was a routine that revolved around her. Sometimes people refer to feeling at home with a specific person- well Silver felt like home to me and today I got hit bad with homesickness. I miss the place and I miss stroking her tiny head with the little blonde tufts that never wanted to behave. I do feel that if I did go back although it would be painful and her body is actually back down with us now I would have a feeling of being close to her if that makes sense which in some ways may bring some comfort.
Today was triggered by the beautiful weather believe it or not. I can imagine its a common thought among bereaved parents to think of what they would have been doing had their child not passed away. That’s what I was thinking today that then got me upset. I thought about all the things we had been planning on doing living up there with Beau. There was a nice park nearby which I was looking forward to going for walks in and we had planned on going swimming as a family etc. We never even got the chance to properly settle in once Beau had come up to live with us or fully unpacked. We were just trying to get him settled into a routine and most likely would have done some lovely things the week she passed away. For example that week it snowed heavily and it would have been our first time taking Beau sledding but instead whilst we spent the last few days with Silver my parents took him home and looked after him instead.
I think deep down a part of my heart will forever belong in Newcastle and in some ways despite it being a place we rarely visited before Silver it now feels like a second home. We have an amazing neonatal consultant who took care of Silver the night she passed away and thankfully he has agreed he is more than happy to travel the two hours to our house to come deliver the post-mortem results once they arrive so we don’t have to face going back to where the painful memories are. We have however discussed that each year on Silvers birthday we would go back to Newcastle and still celebrate in her honour. The night before she was actually born we did stay overnight as a treat in a hotel and went for a meal at an amazing all vegan restaurant and I am hoping it will still be there next year for us to all go as a family.
I’m really interested in hearing other peoples experiences on this and how they’ve felt after perhaps having their child in a hospital not close to home and how it effected their life during and afterwards. I also can’t say thank you enough to The Sick Children’s Trust who provided the free accommodation for us on the hospital grounds enabling us to be a family and be 5 minutes away from our baby. Being so close to her meant we got to make the most of the night she took a turn for the worst and be by her side to comfort her.
Until next time