Any mother that loses a premature baby knows just how painful this day is. I think in all fairness I coped better than I expected. I guess in some ways I’d been grieving so much recently that it just felt like another day. I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing really, when your heart almost gets used to hurting so much that it becomes a part of the norm. There’s always a piece of me that no matter how happy a moment is I still feel empty and little bit sad.
The thoughts I have the most are the “What if’s”. I wonder what I would be doing now if she had been healthy. I sometimes try to imagine life with a troublesome toddler and a newborn baby girl although knowing she was ill for so long I almost let go of those dreams of a happy family life and forgot that it could have been my life right now. I wonder what my toddler would have been like with a baby, would he have been gentle, would he have been jealous?
Most predominantly though I think of the night we lost Silver and what if things could have been done differently. I wonder if anyone did anything wrong, even though deep down I feel the doctors and nurses did absolutely everything they could and I feel confident she was in the best care part of me just wants someone to blame. Of course the logical part of me knows I would never find peace if it turned out someone had done something wrong because I would have a lifetime of resentment and with my personality it would forever eat away at me. To me finding peace would be knowing that she was simply too unwell and too fragile for this earth and that no amount of medicine, equipment or care could save her.
Perhaps I should tell you how this day was meant to go though. I had been doing hypnobirthing throughout my pregnancy and before we had even got pregnant we had committed to purchasing our first home, a new build 3 bed detached. When I got pregnant I had seen the show home and was soon dreaming of a beautiful home birth in a pool. With my son I had been told it wasn’t recommended to have a home birth even though I desperately wanted one. So the midwife led unit it was. Or so I thought…! I spent most of my labour asleep in the birthing pool but my sons heart rate dropped and I was only 8cm. They panicked and rushed me to the main labour ward down the corridor where he then came before I had chance to go back to the pool. So I was adamant this time I was having a home birth and delivering in water. Silver had other plans of course.
I think the hardest part is not that I didn’t get my home birth this time- because I would happily do a C Section all over again. Delivering her this way was the only way she would have been delivered alive and therefor we had them sixteen days with her. The hard part is knowing that because of the scarring now on my womb I am likely to never be deemed safe enough to have the home birth I had dreamt of. Now I know at the end of the day the health and safety of the baby and myself is most important but its a spiritual and enlightening experience I will likely never have.
So what did I do on the due date? Well on the 1st April me and Fabian had a huge fight. Lets face it, sometimes when you deal with grief in different ways and especially being sleep deprived from insomnia you’re bound to clash. So on the 2nd April we decided we needed to get out of the house, go for a drive, get fresh air and talk. We tend to talk best in the car- because we have no other choice. My dad came and picked Beau up so we didn’t have to worry about his bed time etc. With it being a bank holiday the shops were only open for 45 mins when we arrived after a two hour drive! But I did find a nice dress I might be getting for Silver’s funeral and then we had a really nice vegan meal from Wagamama. It did actually cheer us both up that we went for a walk around the food court upstairs and found everywhere had several vegan options! Thankfully due to rushing around it also meant I didn’t have time to get upset as much as I sometimes do at the moment seeing young children and pregnant women.
You may be wondering why I’m telling you about the day before Silver’s due date. Well on the way home from Meadowhall we managed to have a car accident. I was falling asleep in the car to wake to the biggest bang as our car swerved left off the road. It turns out we had hit a crater of a pot hole that took out both our left tyres (the side I was sat on) and also damaged all the rims and possibly undercarriage. long story short, it was a long and tiring night getting towed home and I managed to sleep through the whole morning of the 3rd. So that worked to my advantage that I didn’t have all day to mourn and torture myself with overthinking. Instead when I woke I felt motivated in a way and found distraction to be my best friend on Silver’s due date by creating a memorial YouTube video. This was quite a time consuming process requiring quite a bit of concentration. You would think seeing all the pictures and videos of Silver would have upset me but I was so busy concentrating on the task in hand I almost distanced myself from the topic.
All I can say is I’m glad in a way that the day has come and gone without pain and grief at a level that meant normal life wasn’t functional. I feel the level of grief I feel each day varies. Some days I can go without crying and even have moments where I almost forget and actually feel a little bit happy such as when I’m playing with my son. Other days I almost need it to consume me and I need to cry to feel better. I think in all fairness the worst days are when I feel I need/ want to cry but for whatever reason I can’t. Of course then I feel guilty that I’m not “upset enough”, I don’t want people to think I don’t care- but I can’t cry all the time! And as silly as it seems I worry in case Silver is watching from above and thinks I don’t love her because I’m not able to cry sometimes.
Now the next hurdle we have to face is the funeral. Planning is underway and I will be doing a blog post about this once its taken place and share the story with you.
Until next time,