Blinded By Grief – Literally!

Wow I wish I was joking! So last night I had sat down after my bath to write my “Our Story” page on here. It was quite late and Fabian decided to go to the shop before it shut at 10pm. The only problem was I literally lost my sight! I noticed it was quite blurry when I was typing and then I looked down to the keyboard only to not be able to see my right hand at all. All of the periphery vision in my right eye had completely gone and the rest of it was very blurry and I could see white lights! I completely freaked out, especially when I started to think my right arm was feeling funny too. Through blurred vision I texted Fabian to come home ASAP.

We ended up calling 999 for an ambulance thinking I somehow might be having a stroke. At first we were told it wasn’t an emergency and would be about 4 hours for an ambulance!! They phoned back with a nurse to ask more questions and she deemed I needed to be seen sooner, especially since I definitely though my arm was starting to ache more. They asked if I could smile, raise my arms etc. all of which I could do. Well as soon as Fabian had finished the call with them my arm got really bad, only the upper half of my right arm. It just felt so achy, heavy and weak. Of course that made me panic and Fabian phoned 999 again to update them. About five minutes later a paramedic arrived. He checked whether I could grip, push and pull and checked my coordination. I made him aware of Silver just so he could put it somewhere in the notes so hopefully staff at the hospital would be understanding. He gave me “the look”, where as soon as you tell someone they look really sorry for you – I find this look so hard to know how to respond to!

So the paramedic thought it was most likely my symptoms were connected with the grief and anxiety. HeΒ said he wasn’t worried about my arm but he wanted me to go get my eye checked out but provided I wasn’t the one driving we could drive ourselves to the hospital. Well its a good job I never learnt to drive anyway ha ha! We had to wait for my parents to arrive so they could be at home for Beau – slightly more inconvenient now we’ve moved house. We actually live closer to the hospital now but my parents don’t!

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After losing a baby and having so many memories, both good and bad associated with hospital its very hard going back into a hospital. I had hoped there wouldn’t be any children there with it being so late but there was – trigger number 1. I was then seen by a triage nurse, a geordie! I swear they are following me – trigger number 2. I then waited for a couple hours to be seen by the GP, whilst a pregnant woman ended up sat next to us and was complaining she really wanted to just go home – trigger number 3. Of course I’m sure in that situation I would just be tired and want to go home too, but with hindsight I know I would do absolutely anything to ensure my baby was well and safe even if I was uncomfortable. When I got called by the doctor it just so happened it was the same doctor I saw in my first trimester. Ironic how the last time I’d seen him I had an alive baby yet was panicking she had passed away with no evidence to support this theory. And yet this time it would seem they believed my incident was caused by anxiety somehow (most likely linked to the grief) which was because I actually have lost my baby.

I truly never thought in my first trimester that my fears would come true. Part of me knew it was due to me being very unwell with my prenatal depression. You never expect your own baby to actually have any problems, and you certainly never expect to be planning your child’s funeral. Another thing that played on my mind while I was there was the glove and apron dispenser along with what time it was. I remember always using the medium size gloves and apron to do Silvers nappy change every 6 hours- midnight being one of them. I really think the best thing you can do is if where possible after losing a baby do everything you can to avoid hospitals and medical surroundings as I’ve personally found this quite difficult.

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The doctor didn’t seem concerned and didn’t think I’d had a stroke however referred me to a TIA clinic. Due to the situation with Silver and an upcoming bank holiday they actually fitted me in at the end of their clinic today. Thankfully the stroke specialist also thought it wasn’t anything sinister and although my vision is better, the blurriness should go within a few days. Since I’ve had a recent C- Section he did ask for me to have an MRI in the next few weeks just to double check and okay-ed me to go to the opticians if the blurriness doesn’t subside. Once I know for sure that I’m in the clear I will let you guys know but hopefully they are correct and I needn’t be concerned.

I can’t tell you how scary it is to temporarily go blind, I lost vision for about 45 minutes and it was terrifying. More so when I also had the arm symptoms. I truly had no idea mental health, anxiety and grief could have such a profound effect on your physical health and it’s evidence of just how important it is to take care of yourself whilst going through tough times. I will definitely be spending the Easter holidays practicing self care and perhaps it is something you should consider trying, even the simple things like reading a book or having a relaxing bath (my two fave things to do!).

Until next time,

Holly x