Wow, today’s appointment unexpectedly hit me where it hurts. I expected to go to the doctors to simply talk about my C section recovery, contraception and our future plans regarding babies and VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean). I had been feeling pretty good today and coping not too badly, I think writing my Easter post had been a good distraction really. What I never accounted for was the possibility of being sat in a waiting room with a couple walking around soothing a new born baby.
I tried to sit and not think about it but I just felt trapped. I had to be in that room and so did they. I couldn’t leave because I had a double appointment booked. Now it could be because my time of the month has recently returned and I’m generally a wreck from that but for whatever reason I just felt completely overwhelmed by a situation I couldn’t walk away from. At first Fabian comforted my by hugging me and I just cried quietly in his arms. Thankfully our side of the waiting room was very quiet so I didn’t have people staring! I asked him to get me a tissue and when he came back I tried to just push through it but I just couldn’t bare it. I sent Fabian to ask reception how long it was until my appointment. Thankfully they were very understanding and found me a private little room.
The strangest thing I find is that walking to that room I had to stop in the corridor and felt like I needed to collapse to the floor. I felt like the breath had been taken from me and I cried the same way I cried the night we lost her, almost verging on hysterical. It will be a month tomorrow since we lost Silver and in all this time I’ve never cried like that again except for today. Perhaps that had something to do with it too. A thought that crossed my mind in the brief moment in the corridor was a flashback to being in labour with Beau and walking to the midwife led unit. It reminded me of how I would have to walk a few paces and then I’d hold onto the handrail and pause, breathing through a surge (contraction). The only difference is today I had to hold onto the handrail to stop myself from breaking down crying on the floor whereas with Beau I was so focused and at peace. Both however I feel were moments of clarity. Moments where I completely understood my surroundings, my past and my future. Unfortunately for today that meant reality hitting me with painful force.
Either way, whatever the reason behind today I can honestly say it was a much harder thing to do than expected, possibly one of the worst days since losing her in that sense. It hurts so badly still having things that remind me of the pain. I am so grateful for the time we had with Silver but going to a 6 week postnatal check with no beautiful baby in my arms is just heart-breaking and a painful reminder. Having a C Section was the only way I would have ever delivered an alive baby, which gave us 16 days with her but every time I knock my scar and hurt it I get painful reminders and flashbacks. I think about the fact that I went through a major operation and don’t have a little one to cuddle afterwards and it just reminds me of how much it hurts living without her. I really want to know when it’s not going to hurt as much and when I’ll ever feel fully happy again. It seems like we have such a huge journey still ahead of us and I wish I could take a different path but I know I need to move forward this way and simply take it one day at a time.
I guess the only advice I can offer for anyone else in a similar situation is to be prepared that there is likely to be babies/ small children and perhaps have a word with your doctor’s surgery when you arrive or even beforehand to possibly book a private room. And most importantly be kind to yourself and I feel it really helped me having Fabian there as emotional support so bringing support might be a good idea for you too. It’s completely reasonable to find something such as the 6 week check after losing a baby either to stillbirth or very early to be very emotional and possibly triggering. I hope sharing my story helped you or maybe you feel it will help someone you know right now.
Until next time,